Get Ready for Powdered Alcohol

Just when I believed convenience had reached its peak with Amazon prime shopping, Skype and streaming movies at home, powdered alcohol arrived.

When I first heard about Palcohol my first reaction was eewwwww a powdery martini.vodka

Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved the stuff for sale this summer. It will occupy shelf space alongside its liquid counterpart at the liquor store.

Naysayers are outraged and want to ban sales for a variety of reasons, citing underage drinking at the top of the list. Enterprising teens will do as they’ve always done and bribe a “legal” to get the stuff for them.

Packaging measures four by six inches and according to its creators would be too difficult to sneak into a venue. Au contraire; I have a tote that can conceal a small child. I don’t care if people stare while I drink from my purse.

A few other benefits came to mind tilting the scales to the favorability side of the issue:

Who can possibly object to bringing a small bottle of water to your nephew’s first-grade performance as a tree?

Dare I mention church and a boring sermon?

Even better, think of the convenience when visiting tee-totaling relatives in their home. No more embarrassing clanging bottles in your luggage. You may find you actually enjoy the retelling for the umpteenth time of their genius fifth grader winning the spelling bee.

Taking out the garbage will no longer require covert operations to prevent nosy neighbors from observing your alcohol consumption.

Think of the savings at restaurants. One can enjoy an adult beverage without sticker shock for watered down water.

Screw the airlines; bring your own water bottle and fill it up before you get on the plane.

Think of the weight, no more lugging heavy quart glass bottles from the liquor store. A month’s supply won’t weigh as much as the cat’s snack food.

I think I just may have found a new pal. Ain’t life great?

Email and Politics

Women in politics don’t have wiggle room for error. Hillary’s failure to follow the rules provided another opportunity for the male dominated, do nothing congress, to focus on minutia.

I think Hillary blew it this time. As much as I want to see a woman president, I do not want someone who favors convenience over following the rules.

Putting aside issues of wrongdoing, the entire debacle has raised some interesting issues. I am curious about congressional emails.

Given the intelligence quotient of some of our elected officials, I think we would discover a lot of stuff they’d just as soon keep private.

Louie Gohmert:

To his third grade teacher asking her to spell check his press releases.

To his local sheriff (based on his ability to negotiate with psychotic redneck survivalists) asking how to address a letter to the ayatollah.

To his oldest child asking where “Eran” [s.i.c] is located.

John Boehner:

To his stylist requesting a color other than orange for his spray tan.

John McCain:

To his aide stating he forgot where Iran is located.

To his doctor requesting Aricept refill.

Nancy Pelosi:

To her dermatologist requesting emergency Botox injection.

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick:

To his wife telling her there is a sale at CVS on “Just For Men” Brown/Black No M17.

Former Governor Rick Perry:

Doesn’t use email can’t remember to hit “send” button.

Convenience can have unfortunate consequences.

Organized Crime and Electricity Providers

The warm fuzzy electric company commercials on television are malarkey. Electricity providers fall in place second to organized crime.

We’ve had a colder than usual winter and I knew the bill was going to be a shocker.

Consumers compensate providers for getting the fuel out of the ground, selling it and transporting it to where ever it goes before it becomes electricity. What I didn’t know is that my plan has an extortion clause, otherwise known as a minimum usage requirement. I have to use a certain amount of kilowatts per month or  my bill increases.

electric-by: Pedro Arahuetes Bernardo

In my naiveté, believing that had to be a reasonable solution, I initiated an online chat with  their representative, Ben.

I type: “Hey Ben, I want a simple plan that charges a set amount for the kilowatt-hours I actually use per month, with  no minimum kilowatt hour usage requirement.”

(They don’t use Skype for online chats so I can’t see  Ben telling his cube buddy, “I got a live one here; dumb too”.)

Ben types: I’ll be happy to help you with that. Give me a moment to review your account”.

Ben goes to the break room, refills his coffee mug and slowly edges his way back to his cube.

I start dinner, feed the cat and check the mail.

Ben types: “I see your plan Extortion 24, expires in one month, would you like to renew it?”

I think: You moron, why would I commit to financial destruction for another year?

I type: “At the moment, I am comparing providers. I want a plan that does not penalize me if I don’t use a certain amount of kilowatt-hours. Sort of defeats the purpose of conservation, wouldn’t you agree, Ben?”

Ben types: “I understand. I believe our Extortion 12 would fit your lifestyle. I see you use 1999-kilowatt hours per month, not quite 2000. If you switch to this plan your minimum usage requirement would drop to 1000 kilowatt hours. Matter of fact if you’d signed up for this plan last year your current bill would have been $100.00 less.”

I want to tell Ben to go French kiss Frankenstein.

I reconsider; House of Cards is streaming on Netflix and I don’t want to risk a power outage.

I type: “I still have time before my existing plan expires, can I get back to you?”

Ben types:”It is a special offer and may not be available in another month.”

It is clear that Ben is a former used car salesman and has zero interest in my welfare. I declined the special offer.

I’m cranking up the heat, turning down the air conditioning, taking the fluorescent light bulbs to the dumpster. I want to make sure I meet my 2000-kilowatt hour requirement.