Does Ted Cruz Read Porn?

I thought I was reading the lead-in to a bodice ripper; “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” The statue of liberty blushed.

Even the most backwoods populous among Texans, with the possible exception of Louie Gohmert, would never refer to America as lying down with her back against the mat.

Ted went out on a limb to describe America and embarrass us all. Ted is sadly lacking in skill when it comes to metaphors. As a a native-born Texan, I can draw upon our rich history of expressions to describe Ted.

  • Ted’s ability to unite:

“He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.”

 

  • Ted’s view on the economy:

“He wouldn’t care if syrup went to a dollar a sop.”

 

  • Ted’s ability to carry out objectives:

“He is all hat and no cattle.”

 

  • Ted’s plan for the affordable care act:

“You better root hog, or die poor.”

 

  • Ted whining about almost everything:

“He’d complain if he got hung with a new rope.”

 

  • The reason for Ted’s unpopularity in the senate:

“I’m going to dance with the one that brung me.”

 

  • Ted’s senate career highlights:

“He shoots anything that flies and claims everything that falls.”

Ted should stick to reciting excerpts from Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham, so we will all remember he is originally from Canada.

 

 

 

 

 

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