in Satire

Clamshell Wrap

It all started when I tried to open a new toothbrush. The instructions said to turn the package on its backside and peel away the cardboard backing. Whoever wrote the instructions did so with full knowledge  clamshell wrap deflects bullets and “peel” is code for gotcha.

Trapped in the bathroom in the altogether, I pondered my options. A peep outside the bathroom window confirmed the landscapers clipping and blowing outside our open bay window. Short of a commando crawl maneuvering to the utility closet  was impossible.

After a review of grooming implements I settled on a metal nail file that would enable me to hack my way into the package. After numerous failed attempts it was time for a different tactic. If I could pry the cardboard from the clamshell the toothbrush would be free. Half an hour and one  bent nail file later, the package remained intact.

By now I was good and damned mad. I’d show them. Machetes are not something we routinely keep in the bathroom so I settled for a small set of cuticle scissors. I reasoned the scissors could create a small puncture in the package, and the bent nail file would act as a pry. Success would be mine. The scissors held dagger style ricocheted a wee bit shy of the toothbrush package…..onto my thumb.

A vision of my corpse in the altogether with a dismembered thumb and an unopened toothbrush hurtled me into action. After a gallon of peroxide, topped off by three pounds of gauze and adhesive tape,  my hand worked well enough to heave the toothbrush into the trash.

In 1960 Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev claimed the United States would be defeated without a single shot fired. He may have had a heads up about clamshell wrap.