in Satire

Condo Association Horrors

We live in a condo because of the convenient lifestyle and shared expenses for commonly owned elements. Like a traditional neighborhood, you are bound to have a few nuts, except ours live in closer proximity.

Over the years, I have observed these nuts usually end up serving on the home owners association board. Sharing an exaggerated sense of self worth and lacking ability in other areas, they grasp at opportunities to exhibit their petty wielding power. Most of them never quite seem to grasp the concept that the association is a business venture whose sole purpose is to maintain commonly shared property.

There is usually one resident attorney on the board. He views his participation as a figurehead and dances around substantive issues. Attorneys who serve on HOA boards fall in to two categories; the DUI guy you see on billboards and the one who specializes in contingency litigation, found in the yellow pages.

The social butterfly, is a stuck in the fifties holdover. She pledged the right sorority, married well and has numerous social contacts. Believing her good taste should compensate for her lack of business experience, she is terrified of making enemies in a public forum and contributes nada.

The resident curmudgeon detests making repairs and fears change. He cites the Magna Carta as a source for refusal to make changes. Parading as being fiscally responsible, the decaying property is a testament to his lack of common sense.

The busybody has far too much to do, but serves because no endeavor can survive without her input. She has elevated her status to align with the British monarchy. This person is the individual assigned to getting bids for improvements. By the time she gets around to presenting her findings, no one can remember what the project was or it became last month’s emergency repair.

Finally, we have the appearance drone. She obsesses on color coordination. She has no concern for wood rot as long as it is the appropriate color. It doesn’t matter if colors specified in the rules and regulations are obsolete and an exact match hasn’t been available since the Truman administration.

I can hardly wait for our next meeting; in fact, I may sell popcorn at the door. It is cheap entertainment if you like watching The Hoarders or Jerry Springer.

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