in Satire

Danger at the Airport

Startled travelers witnessed a shouting diatribe as the couple descended the escalator at the airport. The recipient of the verbal assault was a courtly man who appeared wholly undeserving of the abuse. His assailant was a diminutive, younger version of Queen Elizabeth, with the vocabulary of Red, the prison inmate in Orange is the New Black.

It was not a chance encounter; these people have been married so long, their marriage certificate was issued on papyrus. The incident began as they arrived at the airport and the man remembered he had a penknife in his pocket. It was a very small knife, but as an experienced traveler, he knew he could not pass security with a penknife.

The wife’s handbag contents held resources for a nuclear disaster. It was this premise that led the husband to believe his penknife could hide for years among its contents as he casually dropped it into her handbag and informed her just before she had to go through the metal detector.

Trapped, without means to rid herself of the forbidden item, she entered the scanner. Bingo! The nasty little penknife set off the detector and its new owner pulled aside for further scrutiny. The TSA agent apparently just landed here from the planet Krypton as his x-ray vision determined the penknife had drug residue on it. As they say in Texas, he was shooting everything that flies and claiming everything that falls. There is no way any kind of drug would have found a home in that woman’s handbag. She does not take even so much as a vitamin. The husband probably used his penknife to cut the dog’s pills in half.

The woman knew she had no option other than to submit to a pat down. Her husband retrieved his shoes and contemplated his future as a Franciscan monk on another continent. At that point, she was so mad her underwire bra had a meltdown. By the time she completed the security check, her rage had kicked into a gale force category five. Her give-a-damn was busted and it was a no holds barred, butt kicking, down the escalator to the jet way, ass chewing.

The husband is fortunate the agent confiscated his knife; otherwise, he might find himself occupying a front row seat (when he had recovered enough to sit) with the women in the church choir. I’m not sure what steps he should take toward marital redemption for this humiliating incident. Giving her a week ALONE at a luxurious spa might be a start.

  1. This completely cracked me up. These characters feel very familiar to me. SO funny. 🙂

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