in Satire

Fall Returns with Squirrels, Nuts and Fashion

Ted Cruz, our neighborhood squirrel has returned to the cypress tree outside our patio.

Like his namesake, he has been absent from the workplace collecting nuts.

He promised to keep the grackles away but abandoned us for more lucrative opportunities. This week he returned to his location in the top of the tree assuring his dominance over the morning doves who stuck it out during the heat.

The squirrel’s return is a signal fall must be on the way.

Daylight savings time will end soon (although not soon enough) and Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday is in sight.

The calendar designates January 1 as the beginning of the New Year. But my new year begins with the first day of Fall. There is a sense of anticipation that something exciting is about to happen. Maybe it is an anniversary phenomenon of recalling the first day of school and new beginnings.

Fall is time to inventory the wardrobe. I have zero interest in current fashion trends. I don’t like the schizoid merchandising that arrives each year. The combination of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanza displays are over the top.¬†Vowing to escape retail ugliness, I turned to the internet and hit pay-dirt my first Google search.

Forty-three style lessons learned from Carrie Bradshaw o.k.’s wearing pj’s in public:

I wear them to take out the garbage. The next suggestion was wearing pants under a dress. I haven’t done that since first grade. Girls could wear pants under a dress only if snow was six feet deep. AFTER arriving at school, we removed the pants until it was time to go home. (And no, this was not during the Civil War). When slacks became acceptable attire for women I ditched dresses. Since I no longer own a single, solitary dress, I moved on to the next search.

Fifteen denim outfits you’d better make sure you have in your closet for fall:

Sounded like a winner. I was wrong. $1000.00 for a pair of culottes is insane. Name one person who looks good in culottes. They look like costume rejects from the movie Tobacco Road. I did not look at the other fourteen outfits.

Twenty-four fashion hacks every woman needs to know:

Lame. For instance, moleskin for under-wire bra poke out. Just yank out the wire and you’re good to go. It got worse; how to remove oil on leather pants. Oil and lots of it is the only way I would ever get leather pants ON.

I am reverting to my tried and true fall wardrobe. It never fails me. A trench coat, a scarf and a huge pair of sunglasses hide sweats and wireless bras.

While I sit on the patio and watch the leaves turn I may even toss Ted a peanut or two.