in Satire

Halloween Crisis

OMG the horror of it. I am turning into a witch. No fooling, on Halloween night no less, I discovered an item heretofore hidden……….a CHIN HAIR.

Its discovery was scary. Would a wart soon appear? How could I have missed it? How long had it been occupying a spot on my chin, mocking me for its disguise? Is this a harbinger of things to come? Is a moustache next? Will my teeth start to turn green and fall out? I stressed my memory to picture both grandmothers and my mother. None of whom sprouted chin hair.

And, where was my spouse while this object was rooting itself on my face? Failing to warn your wife about a chin hair is right up there with treason. I always tell him when he has minor cosmetic malfunctions, even those he refuses to acknowledge. I risked the consequences of his displeasure the day I told him he was beginning to resemble a speckled pup. I even purchased SPF 100 sunscreen for him. Where is the loyalty when you need it?

As a reward for struggling with other body issues, the universe, up until now, has spared me from facial hair. This will be yet another item on my cosmetic maintenance schedule. I have to rise at 6:00 AM in order to be presentable by noon as it is. I don’t have time to devote to additional personal grooming procedures.

What caused this anomaly? We do not purchase farm raised fish. We avoid genetically modified corn products if possible. I purchase organic most of the time. Gave up smoking years ago. Have decreased my wine consumption to three times weekly. Eat red meat only occasionally. Alfredo Sauce is limited to consumption twice annually.

Is this to be my reward for being health conscious? Chin Hair??