in Politics, Satire

Health Doublespeak

Keeping up with current health trends is maddening.

Used to be coffee was a big no no. Now it is the “in” beverage. Dark chocolate used to be bad, now it’s right up there with spinach.

One health study reported moderate wine consumption, one glass per day, is good for bones and heart. Another study indicates if you start drinking, a daily alcoholic beverage may hasten Alzheimer’s. If you have been a moderate drinker for years, risk of Alzheimer’ may not be a problem, but no one knows for sure. Another says it is vile for the pancreas.

Consider the following if you drink wine:

Option one: Strong bones, heart of a teenager, nutty as a fruitcake, iffy pancreas.

Option two: Weak bones, weak heart, sharp as a tack, pink pancreas.

• Women are supposed to take a baby aspirin per day to ward off strokes, heart attacks and possibly colon cancer. New reports indicate daily aspirin may not be o.k.

• Some vitamins contain binding agents that are unsafe.

• Many of us grew up believing milk was the perfect food. Now it gets a bad rap.

• Nuts are good, but full of fat, peanuts are iffy.

• Potatoes are a tossup, sweet potatoes are o.k. but the spuds with an Irish brogue may not be.

• Eggs laid by chickens that are vegetarians are fine.

Give up beef and eat fish. Locating a fish that did not grow up in the back yard of someone living in Arkansas is daunting. However considering the nuclear power plant in Japan that went rogue, spewing contaminated water in the pacific, fish from the “natural state” might not be a bad trade off. Some of the recommended fish are varieties I have never heard of, and am a bit reluctant to ingest. Tuna has mercury, but then we are allowed a certain portion of mercury in our diets, so say the experts.

Organic is best, but do we really, really know for sure it’s organic. What if the person stocking the produce bin is having a bad day and shcleps whatever in the bin?

While the experts are pondering health issues, I am starting my own initiatives. I am having beef for dinner every night. I am ordering a crate of wine, a carton of cigarettes, and enough Godiva to fill a warehouse.