in Satire

I Spy

 My cell provider’s name begins with a “V”. Do I care if they permit the feds to poke about my records?

Heck no, they might even find a more cost-effective plan with an escape clause that doesn’t include paying a bazillion dollars. Maybe a government official could improve the online chat support. I always get the person who can’t spell.

They may even discover a way to eliminate those annoying mystery add-on fees that I do not understand, but required to pay. I hate using the phone so most of my communication is texting. So far as I know, LOL and MEH are not code for anything subversive.

I rarely use Skype and almost never with the webcam and mic. In order to use those features, I would have to spend a day getting a makeover and buy a new wardrobe. I’m not that motivated.

I surf the internet daily. I shop like a fiend and research comparison pricing. I check out movie reviews and restaurants. I read out-of-state newspapers. I do not visit porn sites, at least not intentionally. I did manage to hit one accidentally, but I feel certain I could explain that. Probably has happened to a fed too, so I’m sure they would understand.

My email inbox is so innocuous I don’t get Cialis spam anymore (the result of an innocent search term). I do receive political emails with views I would never embrace in a million years, but I can prove they go straight to a special section in my inbox. On a slow day, I trot them out for a look. Nearly always, a quick check from Snopes proves it deserved a home in the junk folder. I am home free. I didn’t send the inflammatory missive so if big brother is snooping in my email; it’s the sender’s problem.

My blog speaks for itself. I have bashed our governor, Rick Perry, our United States rep. Ted Cruz and Dog the Bounty Hunter, all of whom bear similar behavior traits.

I refuse to believe that I should prepare for a visit by men dressed in black suits, wearing dark sunglasses, driving black SUVs.