in Satire

Mercury Retrograde

My horoscope (I check it faithfully each month strictly out of curiosity) said to back up computer, make no changes, sign no new contracts as Mercury would go retrograde from February 23rd through March 17th.Common sense and logic insist that pandemonium can visit anytime. So did I take this warning to heart? Noooo, I always believed such predictions are hooey.

We selected science over superstition and forged ahead to change internet and cable service providers. The installer appeared on schedule and all the devices hummed along as they thumbed their nose at Mercury. After the installer left, I tried to download web mail to my Outlook program. The mail refused to relocate. Called internet service provider and for the neat little sum of $99.00 they would give me the number of the correct outgoing port. Well after I told them what I really thought about their ransom, I made it my mission to get the cussed web mail to pop over into Outlook. After consuming numerous glasses of wine and attempting every numerical combination known since Pythagoras, I gave up. The only ports I am somewhat familiar with come in a bottle. After explaining the situation to my tekkie daughter, she had the thing popping and humming along in two seconds.

A software program I purchased online before Mercury descended backwards refused to play with the program it was supposed to enhance. After countless email advisories from the vendor it still would not perform. When I requested a refund to my PayPal account for the software I had to uninstall, I got no response.

That had to be the end of Mercury having a blast with my stuff or so I thought. In the wee hours of the morning we awoke to discover water trickling from the bathroom basin. Our upstairs neighbor’s plumbing issues spilled over into our basin. An adrenaline rush at 5 AM is not how I choose to stir from slumber.

The horoscope warned about computer crashes, floods and contracts. There was absolutely no mention of hair and styling issues. I had no reason to believe it might be best to postpone my appointment for a haircut. After all, Mercury retrograde, so the believers say, is a time for a make-over; an opportunity to see things in a new perspective.

My new perspective should be grown out in about four more weeks.