in Satire

My Closet Case

A review of my closet’s accoutrements revealed a Dickensian ambience. It features plastic bins from the dollar store for shoe storage. There is a hook on one side for my robe and pj’s. The interior lighting is a bare-naked 60 watt light bulb with a pull chain. Somewhere in the back of the closet a surly growl, emanating from Sybil the cat greeted me as I disturbed her nap.

Flipping through a home improvement magazine searching for ways to improve my space I discovered designer closets that are the size of my living room. They feature built in lighting, crown molding, a granite counter top for folding or packing clothes and bench seating by a window with a view of the downtown skyline. A chandelier and opulent Persian area rug completed the setting.

The uber wealthy might require mega closet space, but if you have enough money to own one of those closets, aren’t you going to be away from home mixing and mingling with Republicans etc? Why would you sit on a bench in your closet and peruse the skyline?

Not being a member of the offshore banking set I did a quick reality check, lowered my expectations for a closet re-do and drove to the big box organizer store. The sales assistant was eager to help until she discovered I had not brought scale measurements of my closet. I was out of my league. I’m a hit and miss sort of person, and don’t have a clue as to what a scale measurement might be. I wanted a simple, prepackaged kit with some drawers, a couple of rods and a shoe rack. She inhaled deeply, pursed her lips, blinked three times and asked me what finish I had I mind for the drawers; Melamine, hardwood or composite? For the uninitiated, composite is construction speak for “fake wood”. She diverted her attention to a more closet worthy customer and I sprinted for the nearest exit sign.

I decided I am more of a Dollar Store, plastic bin, bare-naked, 60 watt light bulb sort of a gal. Sybil, the cat couldn’t agree more and she was relieved to slink back to her familiar spot in the corner.