in Satire

We Need a New Holiday

Retailers continue to spoil the best season of the year. If trotting out Christmas decorations alongside Halloween trick or treat candy is the wave of the future, then maybe it is time to think about creating a new  holiday.

As early as two weeks ago, I discovered a preposterous setup at the local mall.  The store, decked out for Halloween, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Christmas was a dizzying display of bad taste. Christmas trees shared space with jack o lanterns, witches and thanksgiving table decorations. The entire setup, a glut of low rent shclock resembled a design effort by People of Walmart.

Consumers, like lemmings go along with the madness. Understandably given today’s economy, families with small children have to cut cost without spoiling holiday traditions and that involves advance  planning.

We could call the new holiday HalloHanuThankChris. Someone smarter than congress would have to determine an acceptable date for the celebration but let’s suppose the celebration would occur November 15th.

October and November weather generally is more seasonal. Customers wanting to take advantage of early morning sales on electronic items could tailgate and drink beer instead of huddling under parkas and sleeping bags.

Animated witches blasting a heated PG 13 rated exchange with Santa Claus would greet shoppers.

As ghosts and elves accompanied small children to sit on Santa’s knee, the witch could serve as a reminder of what happens to naughty children.

Home decorations might feature Santa on the rooftop, accompanied by a witch in the jump seat of the sleigh, wielding a whip.

Seasonal color schemes would consist of black, orange, blue, red and green. A Christmas tree topped by an angel  holding hands with a goblin could replace the traditional star on top.

Trick or treaters would no longer receive candy, but take home a turkey leg, cranberries or a portion of green bean casserole.

After trick or treating, they would return home to continue the celebration and light the menorah followed by a holiday dinner consisting of items ransomed from the trick or treating.

Before the after dinner gift exchange everyone would gather round the Christmas tree and sing the dradle song.

Rather than drag out the retail season for months, the entire shebang would conclude in weeks with likely same amount of profit procured in less time. Retailers could rejoice at not having to hire extra holiday help.

The potential for a tackier holiday sweater would probably be too much for some to resist. Those with a creative bent will find a way to add witches and such. That being said one could only hope that eggnog and Irish coffee continue as holiday traditions.