in Satire

Rick Perry and The Welcome Wagon

Governor Perry never passes up an opportunity to bring more embarrassment to Texans. When he discovered Austin, Texas is on North Korea’s hit list he stopped short of sending an engraved invitation. He left no doubt that he is a few bluebonnets short of a bouquet. You do not tell the enemy that Austin is the epicenter of technology. Ratcheting up the risk factor to turn Texans into toast is further testament to the man’s questionable IQ.

If North Korea had a major city in your state listed on their strike list you’d probably consider it prudent to maintain a low profile. You’d want their weeble wobble head of state to believe he had made a huge mistake and there is no such place as Austin, Texas. At the very least you’d attempt to promote it as a worthless, barren unimportant piece of real estate.

You would spin Texas in such a negative way, that Kim Jong Un would not want to waste a crumb of neutron on us. You would tout the fact women have fewer rights. Poor people have limited access to healthcare if they are unable to pay. Those conditions are so similar to North Korea that Kim wouldn’t bother to leave home. You’d bombard the media with the fact that Texas would be dead last in literacy rates if it weren’t for Mississippi. If we need further evidence we are lacking in appeal, we have Ted Cruz, John Cornyn and Louie Gohmert.

Considering Perry has criticized the federal government for not doing enough to maintain protection for border states and joked about Texas succeeding from the union, I wonder what his defense strategy might be should we require protection.

Somehow the threat of Governor Good Hair standing tall in front of the Capitol with his coyote shootin’ iron is not a comforting defense strategy. If history is any indication, I’m not counting on him to protect us. The last time our state required help he prayed for rain and we got wild fires.

Maybe we can tap some of those Medicaid funds the gov is refusing and send Kim buckets and buckets of the new KFC boneless chicken. The little dictator apparently likes to chow down, so if diplomacy doesn’t distract him, maybe a carb and fat buzz will.