in Satire

A Southern Woman’s Twenty-Four Essential Rules

Southern Women

These adages probably will not have profound repercussions on a universal basis, but as a lifelong southern woman, I’ve discovered them to be truthful ¬†more often than not.

  1. Mistaking a southern accent for ignorance can be dangerous to your checkbook and health.
  2. Kettle cooked potato chips are the ultimate snack.
  3. Tabasco sauce improves the taste of everything.
  4. People who refuse to eat grits are not to be trusted under any circumstances.
  5. Everyone likes bacon.
  6. Hairstyles that look good on Helen Mirren, only look good on Helen Mirren.
  7. The day after you have the carpet cleaned, the cat will barf a hairball.
  8. Only books written by Sarah Palin should be on the Dollar Store bookshelves.
  9. All automobile models look the same.
  10. Cotton tee shirts have less thread count each year, yet the price increases.
  11. The shoe I cannot live without is certain to be wildly expensive.
  12. Kevin Spacey and James Spader never appear in dull movies.
  13. My hair always looks great the day I have an appointment for a haircut.
  14. Most women who wear low rise jeans should not.
  15. My body part that has been aching for three months nonstop will be pain free the day of my doctor’s appointment .
  16. Your kids do not have a clue as to what really makes you tick.
  17. The cheap plants I purchase thrive; expensive ones do not.
  18. Blue eye shadow is tacky.
  19. Carbohydrates should be classified as a controlled substance.
  20. Let your freak flag fly. 
  21. You don’t have to kick over the traces to create change; more often than not, a small nudge is sufficient.
  22. Being mean is a waste of time.
  23. The word “cute” applies only to puppies or kittens.
  24. Receiving an unsolicited wave from a stranger’s baby is the ultimate character endorsement.

Two items for consideration to be included in the list are:
The woman in the lingerie department at Macy’s is forbidden to retire until I decide to stop wearing underwear.
People who use a bazillion coupons will no longer be allowed to shop at my supermarket until after 9 pm.

 

  1. Some of these just broke me up. Some gave me a good chuckle. But the “grits” comment about those who do not like them are not to be trusted, gave me pause…

Comments are closed.