in Satire

Sex and the Seasoned Woman

Sex talk in the women’s locker room among the seasoned set ranges from snicker worthy to sad. One rather robust woman mentioned she was considering having a tummy tuck to resolve her sleeping single in a double bed dilemma. Closer observation revealed her tummy was the remaining frontier lacking previous surgical intervention.

My BFF asked the woman why she would consider such a drastic step. At our age, who cares if there is a bit of extra stuffing around the old muffin top? Just cover it up and you are good to go. The woman was indignant as she responded, “I suppose you are married.” Well, BFF and I are both married; but suppose we were not. Suppose we were in the market for a male companion. After mulling the question over several glasses of wine, we concluded the following:

Judging from what we see in the pool, most men in our age group who would possibly entertain the idea of a lap dance don’t have a six pack anywhere except home in the fridge. Anyway, men our age want new improved models. But, let’s assume for the sake of argument, there is one hanging around somewhere who appreciates an intelligent, handsome woman of a certain age. Sans clothes, he is not going to look any better than we do.

Some activities are better in the dark and an occasion such as this requires blackout curtains. A Barry White/ Teddy Pendergrass song is not going to precede this intimate interlude. More appropriate is an old song sung by the comic that says “I just don’t look good naked anymore.” Maybe that could be playing softly in the background if one was entertaining the thought of entertaining.

Why would any woman in the year 2012 consider spending time, money or enduring pain recovering from a surgical procedure on the off chance they might attract a gentlemen caller?

I say, go where the fat, old boys are. Hit Luby’s for lunch; try the early bird dinner at Golden Corral. Most cities have a neighborhood café where locals go for breakfast. Early in the morning would be my choice, because it takes a gallon of coffee for mature eyes to open. If you find “the one” think how surprised both of you will be when you can see with both eyes.