in Satire

Size Matters

Food manufacturers are packaging their goods into wee sizes. Do they believe we have evolved into hobbits? Andy Rooney was among the first to call our attention to changes in packaging. He would be shocked at today’s shrinkage.

Most of my mother’s old recipes that feature canned items won’t work today without a consult from a chemist. The size can specified in the recipe no longer exists.

The Raisin Bran box is one half full and contains three raisins in the lot. And, the configuration of the box has changed. They chopped off the sides and made it shorter. Put a pound of beans in the bag and I’ll purchase them. A 12 ounce bag of coffee beans fools no one.

What happened to hamburger buns? They are the size of sliders. A loaf of bread is half the size it was a couple of years ago at three times the price and its ingredients are undecipherable.

Bacon is never in a 16 oz package. (If my Dr. is reading this, bacon is strictly for example) Butter is 15 oz (ditto to the Dr.)

Toothpaste is a mystery. Tubes sizes are infinitesimally different in ounces, thus eliminating any fast calculation of price per ounce. Blink, shower twice and a bar of soap disintegrates.

We won’t even broach the subject of paper goods, my beloved’s personal pet peeve. The Charmin Bears must be geniuses if they can figure out what ply/size roll to buy. Spouse also believes there is a monthly conspiracy to reduce the size of the cat’s bag of litter.

Diet gurus advise us to watch restaurant portion sizes. I am thinking about eating out more often as a means of losing weight, not gaining weight. My favorite oriental restaurant has reduced the portions to an unacceptable size. On our last visit, and I do mean last, I thought perhaps they had sent kiddies food selection by mistake. The cost of the meal remained the same.

My fuzzy math cannot calculate weird weights, as I did not take calculus. The subterfuge is an insult to my intelligence and angers me. Size really does matter.