in Politics, Satire

Southern Political Nuts

This past year provided some interesting observations, some of which make me wonder if the Southland is becoming an alternate universe.

A Missouri bishop, charged with shielding an abusive priest, was found guilty of failing to report suspected child abuse. He received two years probation. The sentence was suspended and the bishop ordered to get training on reporting abuse.

Another Missourian, Todd Akin, tried to justify his opposition to abortion stating victims of legitimate rape rarely become pregnant as the female body has ways to “shut that whole thing down”. I suppose this is a characteristic of female superiority, as it would appear the male anatomy is incapable of shutting down before committing legitimate rape. A female democrat, Claire McCaskill, shut down Akin in his bid for the senate.

Paul Broun, a United States representative for Georgia’s 10th district, remarked the theories of evolution are “lies straight from the pit of hell”. Broun is a medical doctor who sits on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology.

From Alabama, Honey Boo Boo defies description.Compared to the Boo Boo’s, Lynyrd Skynyrd is Downtown Abbey. Her exploitation is depressing and borders abuse.

Texas opened a toll road between Austin and San Antonio where the allowed speed limit is 85 miles per hour. Ought to be interesting. Some of our bubba’s drive big ol’ worn out trucks re-engineered with Bondo and duct tape. Extra gas tanks, strapped on the sides, complete the ensemble.

Texans love their guns. Representative Louie Gohmert believes guns are the answer to preventing horrific mass shootings. Louie is a lawyer and former state district judge. He put forth another theory that pregnant Middle Eastern women sent to the United States give birth to babies who are returned to their homeland to be raised as future terrorists.

As a fifth generation native Texan I have gun owner ancestors. My grandfather provided food for ten children via wild game. I am sure he would agree that anyone who needs an assault or high capacity loading weapon to shoot wild game should seriously consider becoming vegan.

It’s time to stop depicting Southerners and Texans in particular as bumpkins. We have been the butt of bad jokes and stereotypes for generations. When an elected official makes an insane comment, I think the people who elected these buffoons into office should be willing to say, “My name is Billy Bob Nut. I voted for ________ and I approve of this message”.