If You Have a Big Butt Forget About Wearing White Jeans

The article said women with curvy figures did not have to look out of place in the summer wearing saggy baggy slacks. With a few tweaks, we could wear that summer staple — WHITE JEANS.

I gave up wearing white jeans eons ago, lest I am mistaken for a sailing armada. I took comfort by observing thus far I had avoided old lady ugly feet. I will admit I am vain about my feet. When they are spiffed up, I can wear flip-flops and get by with a meh.

But, thinketh me, oh to wear white jeans again — I’ll give it a shot.

I did all the research the article mentioned. I measured and wept and measured some more. Armed with new research, I trolled the internet for white jeans for curvy women. Most of the sites flat out lie as no female over ten years of age has the measurements that fit curvy women.

After hours of searching, I located the perfect pair; all the measurements jived. The inseam was on target. The jeans fit at the waist and best of all the back was high enough so you wouldn’t do moon shots when you bent over.

This was too good to be true, white jeans with my tricked out toes and I’d be ready for summer. I wouldn’t look like a nursing home reject. I could hang with the cool kids. I hit the PayPal account and looked forward to summer.

The package arrived and I jerked it out of the startled FedEx delivery guys hands so fast he got a huge paper cut and ran bleeding all the way back to his truck.

The first item on the jeans that appeared from the wrapping was the three-inch zipper in front. For the unenlightened, this is a huge red flag that the jeans barely cover somewhere around On My God. I set a record for overtaking a FedEx delivery truck to return the white jeans.

Father Time changes everything. If there was justice in the universe, time would be measured as Mother Time and white jeans would always favor curvy women.