in Satire, Serious

How To Take Charge of Your Cable Provider

After installing an indoor antenna, I called BS&S, our cable Cosa Nostra to tell them to find another chump.

The conversation went something like this:

Lily Tomlin's EarnestineBS&S: “Hello, I’m Beverly, how can I help you today?”

Me: “I want to discontinue my U-Worse cable but keep the internet service.”

Beverly: “I’ll be happy to help you with that. Can you tell me the account number, name on the account, password, your social security number, birthdays of your children, your mother’s maiden name, and your grandfather’s sock size?”

Me: “May I place you on speaker?” (Walk to kitchen get glass, ice, pour tequila).

Beverly: “Your services are bundled and your contract doesn’t expire until 2020.”

Me: (Dump ice, get big glass) “I never enter into contracts with cable service providers. I did accept a promotional offer.”

Beverly: “Six months ago, our retention specialist negotiated a special rate constituting a verbal contract.”

Me: “Doesn’t BS&S usually record conversations of agreement involving long term contracts?”

I can’t be certain, but I believe I heard muffled laughter in the background and Beverly making plans to meet co-workers at Hooters.

Beverly: “May I place you on hold while I check on that ?”

Me: (Race to kitchen for tequila bottle, Doritos, and salsa)

Beverly: “We can terminate your U-Worse cable and internet service  provided you pay an early termination fee.”

Me: “How much is the early termination fee?”

Beverly: “Ten dollars less than your contract balance.”

Me: (The tequila kicked in giving me the confidence to exhibit my negotiating skills) “Could we upgrade the internet speed and  cut the cable service?”

Beverly: “We can limit U-Worse cable to one receiver, keep your internet service and we will reduce your monthly bill by ten dollars until your contract expires.”

Me: “If we are altering the non-negotiable contract, why can’t we drop U-Worse cable service and increase the internet speed?”

Beverly: “A ten dollar per month discount over the term of your contract will allow you to enjoy the service for the same amount as an early termination fee. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Have I provided excellent customer service for you?”

I wanted to tell Beverly I’d have had a better outcome negotiating with an organized crime boss. At the very least, I could have joined the witness protection program. I had no smart aleck retort or parting shot. The entire ordeal left me with cable service I don’t need, a giant hangover, and five pounds of salt bloat.

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