in Satire

Toilet Paper or a Tuna Casserole?

Someone wrote Heloise suggesting donations of toilet paper and paper towels instead of food when there is a death in the community. They reasoned paper goods would be more useful with  extra people in the house. I think this is a fantastic suggestion.

Post funeral buffets are some older women’s equivalent of Match.com. These predators have a stock of frozen tuna and funeral potato casseroles ready to heat up and go. They are not about to haul toilet paper to an available widower.

I have observed them scouting the neighborhood waiting for my spouse to take the garbage to the dumpster. They surface like sharks freshly made up and dressed to the nines. Eyelashes a flutter they make polite inquiries as to how “we” are doing. If they want to know how “we” are doing, how come they never show up when I take out the garbage?

I take out the garbage in sweats and no makeup. Could it be my appearance raises serious concerns about my health? Is there a pool with a suggested timetable as to when the census of my household might be reduced to one lone male? The curious thing is these women are considerably older than my spouse and me. Come on, when they need a walker to take out the garbage it’s a big clue.

I googled “mature cougars” and boy hidey did I get an eyeful. I ran my antivirus program twice! There are shameless hussies out there, walkers and all.

Supermarkets in Florida would collapse like Sherman marching through Savannah, if no one purchased ingredients for casseroles. In spite of the negative impact on the Southern economy, I too am advocating paper goods as the appropriate contribution for these occasions.

On behalf of all like minded females, please join me in my effort. Do not write me about saving trees; this is war. And BTW my spouse HATES casseroles of any kind.