in Satire

A Tutorial on Apologies

 

emotions-371238_150

Life just gets better and better. I discovered  templates for apologies on the internet. When you owe someone an apology and don’t have a clue , not to worry.   Check out the templates, select one, copy and paste into an email and you’re off the hook.

Merriam-Webster defines apology as “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret”. Not as simple as one might believe. That definition provides quite a bit of wiggle room for an offender.

There are several categories of apologies. In the event someone is unclear as to which template to use, I have provided examples of the circumstances that might require an apology.

When common sense fails: I’m sorry I shoved that tiny, elderly woman with a walker, accompanied by her service dog, with her arm in a sling, as I charged onto a crowded elevator.

When common courtesy fails: I’m sorry I failed to share as I guzzled the last drop of pinot grigio on the patio, out of sight, in the dark, at midnight.

For a mistake:  I’m sorry I forwarded an email from a collection agency to all of your financial institutions.

When you did not know better:  I was not aware that was your husband, when I mentioned the hairy lout, swimming in the adjacent lane, required breast reduction.

Non apology – apology: (Offered when injured party requests an apology. Does not express responsibility, regret or contrition. Use when butt is in sling or potential legal action a possibility.) I’m sorry you feel that way.

Shift the Blame Apology:  I’m sorry about your fractured ankle, but if you had been more observant you would have noticed that box in the middle of the floor.

The beauty of this system is if you send the wrong template and receive an irate response, you can select a different template. If the offended party refuses to be placated, let it go. Grab the pinot grigio, don’t share, take a huge swig and everything will be fine soon.

If you did something so unforgivable that a public act of contrition is required, click over to www.letmeapologize.com.

Isn’t the internet wonderful.