in Satire

Are Women with Big Butts Smarter?

sketch copyright┬ęby Krandel Lee Newton artist

sketch copyright┬ęby Krandel Lee Newton artist

Just in time for the holidays, there is a new reason to celebrate.

Recent research indicates women with big butts are healthier and more intelligent. Seems that’s where we store omega 3 and those fats support brain health. The study concluded that women who carried fat in butt, legs and thighs have some extra protection against heart disease.

Even bigger bonus to a bountiful backside is children born to women with wider hips are supposedly more intelligent than those born to skinny gals. If that is true, nine months of toddling around looking like a weeble wobble might be worth it.

Since grade school, I suffered from avoirdupois in my sit-down. The taunts followed me through high school. Later, ordinary office chairs did not accommodate the girth. Most of my employers were too cheap to spring for a better chair yet wondered why the wheels fell off mine after a short time.

Having a body that resembles a triangle is a challenge and caftans are not accepted dress code everywhere. Clothes off the rack refuse to accommodate the bulk. I don’t have Hillary Clinton’s clothing budget. Locating a matching jacket to go with pants that are OMG is impossible.

I have spent millions on wraps, spanx, diet, exercises. I have walked miles on the treadmill and elliptical.

No more, I am done.

I’m going to take booty pop lessons.

I’m going to enjoy the fruits of my newly found health status.

To those women with arms like centipedes who giggle when I walk by, know this; if I fall down, I’ll bounce.

This holiday season, I’m having pie, eggnog, and lots of both. I’ll have seconds on stuffing. Alfredo sauce is my new best friend.

It doesn’t get much better than this; a big booty is good for you, coffee is almost a health food.

Can vodka be far behind?

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