Don’t you envy the woman who can throw on sweats, put her hair in a banana clip and run errands looking like a runway model? How do they do that? I tried it once. The guy who was dumpster diving in our alley shook his head in disbelief as I proceeded to my car. The checker at the supermarket asked if she could call 911 for me.
Have you seen the woman who can toss on a pair of jeans and top it with a white shirt knotted in front? Add some nice earrings and she’s good to go for lunch with friends. Seems like a simple enough style to emulate. When I tried it, my sister spotted me in the parking lot at the restaurant and sent a text saying to meet her in the back booth at McDonalds.
We’ve all seen the elegant woman with the full mane of silver hair, worn with one side tucked behind her ear. The problem with that picture is, as time marches on our ears tend to enlarge. Large ears are a plus if one tucks a good amount of hair behind her ear. I tried out this look when I went to the movies and a plastic surgeon handed me his card.
I ventured out with bed hair under a baseball cap to disguise its sorry condition. A traffic cop pulled me over and gave me the third degree. He was very polite as he inquired if I could state today’s date. He asked if I could name the current president. In spite of having answered his questions correctly, he offered to give me a ride back to my nursing home. I hope the dumpster diver appreciates a pink ball cap.
I realized that my casual clothes were in line for a makeover. I discarded my Mom jeans. When I noticed women old enough to be my mom were no longer wearing sweats with the knitted ankle cuffs, they bit the dust too.
As it turns out, I have nothing to wear that does not render me looking like a bag lady.
I am going to comfort myself with a pajama day. If you have never spent the day in your comfy pajamas, online shopping with a bag of hot and spicy cheetos you are missing one of the great pleasures of life.
I probably will have to return the skinny leg jeans when they arrive, but maybe the top from Plus Size R US will cover the damage.
Categories: Biased, Unbalanced and Politically Incorrect
I am a lifelong Southerner, short story author, and essayist. Home is Dallas, Texas.
My essays have appeared in Flash Fiction Magazine, The Dead Mule School of Southern Writing.