What is the shelf life for wearing leggings?
My informal focus group, consisting of two fellows and me, devised a helpful guide.
You should never wear leggings when:
- Your camel toe morphed into a camel foot
- Your ass gave up the fight against gravity and slid down to your knees
- Your ass is MIA and all that remains are two bony protuberances
- Your ass is the size of a land rover.
- Strangers stop and ask if you are Ronald McDonald’s twin.
- Your thighs make sounds like the percussion section of The Boston Pops fourth of July concert when you walk
- Your legs look like centipedes
- Your legs look like fireplugs
- You voted in the Kennedy-Nixon election
- You don’t know that leather leggings are code for “dominatrix.”
The final assault on the senses is women who wear the short lacy tunics. For a four-year-old’s dance recital, they look adorable. For the rest of us; not so much unless you want to look like Lolita in drag.
Our group concluded females over twelve years of age need to wear the leggings under and not out.