What is the shelf life for wearing leggings?
My informal focus group, consisting of two fellows and me, devised a helpful guide.
You should never wear leggings when:
- Your camel toe morphed into a camel foot
- Your ass gave up the fight against gravity and slid down to your knees
- Your ass is MIA and all that remains are two bony protuberances
- Your ass is the size of a land rover.
- Strangers stop and ask if you are Ronald McDonald’s twin.
- Your thighs make sounds like the percussion section of The Boston Pops fourth of July concert when you walk
- Your legs look like centipedes
- Your legs look like fireplugs
- You voted in the Kennedy-Nixon election
- You don’t know that leather leggings are code for “dominatrix.”
The final assault on the senses is women who wear the short lacy tunics. For a four-year-old’s dance recital, they look adorable. For the rest of us; not so much unless you want to look like Lolita in drag.
Our group concluded females over twelve years of age need to wear the leggings under and not out.
Categories: Biased, Unbalanced and Politically Incorrect
I am a lifelong Southerner, short story author, and essayist. Home is Dallas, Texas.
My essays have appeared in Flash Fiction Magazine, The Dead Mule School of Southern Writing.