A Southern Woman’s Twenty-Four Essential Rules

As a lifelong southern woman, I’ve discovered these adages truthful more often than not.

They will not have profound repercussions on a universal basis.

*Mistaking a southern accent for ignorance is dangerous for your checkbook and health.

*Kettle cooked potato chips are the ultimate snack.

*Tabasco sauce improves the taste of everything.

*People who refuse to eat grits are not to be trusted under any circumstances.

*Everyone likes bacon.

*Hairstyles that look good on Helen Mirren, only look good on Helen Mirren.

*The day after you have the carpet cleaned, the cat will barf a hairball.

*Only books on the Dollar Store bookshelves should be those written by Sarah Palin.

*All automobile models look the same.

*Cotton tee shirts have less thread count each year, yet the price increases.

*The shoe I cannot live without is certain to be wildly expensive.

*Kevin Spacey and James Spader never appears in dull movies.

*My hair always looks great the day I have an appointment for a haircut.

*Most women who wear low-rise jeans should not.

*My body part that has been aching for three months nonstop will be pain-free the day of my doctor’s appointment.

*Your kids do not have a clue as to what really makes you tick.

*The cheap plants I buy thrive; expensive ones do not.

*Blue eyeshadow is tacky.

*Carbohydrates should be classified as a controlled substance.

*Let your freak flag fly.

*You don’t have to kick over the traces to create change; more often than not, a small nudge is sufficient.

*Being mean is a waste of time.

*The word “cute” applies only to puppies or kittens.

*Receiving an unsolicited wave from a stranger’s baby is the ultimate character endorsement.

Two items for consideration to be included in the list

The woman in the lingerie department at Macy’s is forbidden to retire until I decide to stop wearing underwear.

People who use a bazillion coupons will no longer be allowed to shop at my supermarket until after 9 pm.

Note: First posted November 5 2013