As a lifelong southern woman, I’ve discovered these adages truthful more often than not.
They will not have profound repercussions on a universal basis.
*Mistaking a southern accent for ignorance is dangerous for your checkbook and health.
*Kettle cooked potato chips are the ultimate snack.
*Tabasco sauce improves the taste of everything.
*People who refuse to eat grits are not to be trusted under any circumstances.
*Everyone likes bacon.
*Hairstyles that look good on Helen Mirren, only look good on Helen Mirren.
*The day after you have the carpet cleaned, the cat will barf a hairball.
*Only books on the Dollar Store bookshelves should be those written by Sarah Palin.
*All automobile models look the same.
*Cotton tee shirts have less thread count each year, yet the price increases.
*The shoe I cannot live without is certain to be wildly expensive.
*Kevin Spacey and James Spader never appears in dull movies.
*My hair always looks great the day I have an appointment for a haircut.
*Most women who wear low-rise jeans should not.
*My body part that has been aching for three months nonstop will be pain-free the day of my doctor’s appointment.
*Your kids do not have a clue as to what really makes you tick.
*The cheap plants I buy thrive; expensive ones do not.
*Blue eyeshadow is tacky.
*Carbohydrates should be classified as a controlled substance.
*Let your freak flag fly.
*You don’t have to kick over the traces to create change; more often than not, a small nudge is sufficient.
*Being mean is a waste of time.
*The word “cute” applies only to puppies or kittens.
*Receiving an unsolicited wave from a stranger’s baby is the ultimate character endorsement.
Two items for consideration to be included in the list
The woman in the lingerie department at Macy’s is forbidden to retire until I decide to stop wearing underwear.
People who use a bazillion coupons will no longer be allowed to shop at my supermarket until after 9 pm.
Note: First posted November 5 2013
Categories: Biased, Unbalanced and Politically Incorrect
I am a lifelong Southerner, short story author, and essayist. Home is Dallas, Texas.
My essays have appeared in Flash Fiction Magazine, The Dead Mule School of Southern Writing.