The cosmetic industry has made billions on anti-aging products duping unsuspecting women of a certain age into parting with their hard-earned retirement funds. The models they use to peddle their wares appear to be barely out of puberty.
There is only one option to escape aging and I do not find that very appealing.
Since I have spent a vast number of years aging, I believe I am sufficiently qualified to address this national obsession with youth.
Forget everything you’ve ever heard about losing weight. You will look like something from pharaohs tomb. Embrace that fat. It is guaranteed to push those wrinkles and crow’s feet into oblivion.
Face lifts have a shelf life and when they expire you look as though you have.
A blank, waxy persona may be okay for the last visitation, but on the other hand, that may be why some are opting out of funeral services.
Hair can make or break the aging deal. Dyed hair and extensions don’t work unless you are going for the retired drag queen look. And, that may prove to be exciting. Think of all the interesting conversations you may have.
Big butts are in, so for those whose posterior requires its own mode of transportation hooray. For those who weren’t blessed, wear tennis shoes everywhere and people will simply think you are a diligent fitness freak.
Lingerie brings mixed blessings. Granny panties are ugly as heck but prevent a total collapse of your butt sinking down your knees. As for Spanx, forget it. The twins and your tummy are destined to become BFF’s forever. The good news is underwire for lingerie does not come in industrial strength. Now you can throw away all those belts.
The all-time best way to have others ooh and aah over how youthful you appear is simply to add seven years to whatever age you happen to be.
I know this is effective because no one can believe how great I look at age One-hundred and three.