I overheard the she-human tell the he-human the shelter in place was a good time to make some positive lifestyle changes; clean closets, do some organizing and change their diet.
After watching the evening news, she hid the bathroom tissue. I can no longer hang glide off the tissue spindle and streak through the house with bathroom tissue. Thank goodness she forgot about the paper towel dispenser in the kitchen. My ability to adapt will surprise her.
I didn’t have to wait long for her next project. I heard her tell the he-human it was time to reduce her collection of shampoos and keep the best one. Her first experiment left her looking like a reject from the Westminster Dog show. The he-human muttered something unintelligible as he hauled the mountain of spurned shampoos to the recycle bin.
When the she-human began discarding items from the kitchen pantry, I watched to make sure she didn’t throw out my treats. I’ll admit I have refused quite a few as they are not quite up to my exceptional standards, but if things get tight, I might be happy to have them.
The refrigerator was next on her list of a re-do. I overheard her tell the he-human her inner Julia Child kicked in. She sounded giddy as she rattled off a litany of new uses for some of the forgotten items. The he-human demonstrated great restraint as he tossed the olive and cocktail onion omelet down the disposer. His displeasure halted the refrigerator reorganization.
I am relieved that the she-human abandoned her lifestyle change and has settled down. She and I eat popcorn and watch old movies. Her expanding girth provides a nice place for my nap. The he-human, no longer suffering from mystery omelets, keeps all my motorized toys in tip-top shape.
Both humans are getting lots of exercise. Whenever the strange orange beast appears on television, they race to turn it off.
Categories: Biased, Unbalanced and Politically Incorrect
I am a lifelong Southerner, short story author, and essayist. Home is Dallas, Texas.
My essays have appeared in Flash Fiction Magazine, The Dead Mule School of Southern Writing.