Posts By JoAnn Williams

Pool People

Note: originally posted in August of 2011. Not much has changed.

Our homeowner’s pool is visited by a cast of colorful characters.

An impeccably groomed Miss Couture arrives poolside, deposits her accessories in a deck chair and tests the water with her perfectly pedicured toe. She begins her catwalk down the pool stairs and glides into the water. She is going to do nothing more strenuous than take up real estate in the pool.

Next arrives Unkempt Joe, hauling a beer cooler, boom box and a pool float with cubbies for his beverages. He hasn’t shaved in five days. The flies that accompany him indicate an absence of a bath for at least that long. His man boobs compete with the bay window hanging over his swim trunks for space in his raggedy suit. Thank God, he doesn’t own a Speedo. After turning on Leonard Skynard full blast he executes a decibel bursting belly flop and lands on his float. Miss Couture is not amused.

Miss Fitness Freak arrives with barbells, paddles, noodles and weights in tow. Slathered in sunscreen SPF 75 she proceeds to enter the middle of the pool after giving Miss Couture a look of disdain and a warning glare to Unkempt Joe, she begins her exercise routine. All she requires is space and non interference from pool mates.

Last to enter is Miss Socialize. She’s as perky as a poodle and talkative as a parrot. She is poised to greet  her next victim. Miss Couture unavailable to those who don’t meet her standard of fashion, avoids eye contact with Miss Socialize. Unkempt Joe is belly deep in “Sweet Home Alabama” and long-necks. Miss Fitness Freak is a whirling dervish of activity. Miss Socialize chatters away to anyone who hasn’t managed to escape.

Miss Fitness Freak is the first to depart the pool leaving behind an oil spill of sunscreen glaze. She is the picture of efficiency as she gathers up her equipment and makes a hasty retreat. She is followed by Miss Couture,  gives Unkempt Joe a withering, warning glance as she runs for the pool exit.

Miss Socialize who has managed to drown out Skynard has accomplished what no one heretofore has been able to. Unkempt Joe and his redneck accoutrements exit the pool.

Miss Socialize left to her own devices and ring around the pool as a parting gift from Unkempt Joe and SPF 75, notices the absence of fellow swimmers. Fellow poolies, having noted her arrival time, will make sure their paths do not cross again. I think she planned it that way.

Sharing water can be a challenge.

My Name is Obsolete

I just discovered yet another unpleasant truth about myself. I am obsolete; headed for extinction.

I refuse to cover all the mirrors. My creativity in avoiding them is unparalleled. I apply makeup by tactile maneuvers, and thus far have failed to scare small children.

I was doing fine, content to function in self-deception until I discovered my name is obsolete. No one has named their child Jo Ann since the Roosevelt administration; Franklin, not Teddy.

For any of my friends who are reading this, I am not going to reveal your names, but your moniker’s shelf life expired too.

When is the last time you read a birth announcement that welcomed Gwendolyn or Gladys into the family? What about Judy or Shirley?

Anyone of a certain age doing online dating should immediately change her name, especially if they are vague about their generation. Personally, I believe anyone of a certain age who pursues online dating is nuts, but what do I know – my name is JoAnn.

Names come and go like automobile models. I checked out some of my female ancestors’ names. There is an Effie, Ophelia, Arvelia, Bernice and Allie Mae and that’s just one side of my family. The other side has names too horrendous to repeat.

No one in my family on either side has a similar name to mine. My parents did not want to saddle me with the available resources from our gene pool. How were they to know decades down the road my name would identify to the era when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

New parents today who are in the process of naming their child face the same dilemma, but they don’t know that historically, the name will be obsolete in about twenty years. Maybe they should consider the name Geraldine. Who knows – it may evolve into style again.

I’ve made peace with my obsolete name; maybe I looked like a JoAnn to my parents. I’m thankful; I don’t really feel like a Bernice.

And the Winner is Testosterone

I wrote this in June 2011. Given recent news events and the 2016 election, I’d say testosterone is the clear leader.

How can  men figure out how to photograph an awkward component of their anatomy and post it on the web? Most dummy up when it comes to operating the dishwasher. They plead ignorance involving operating any domestic appliance beyond the TV remote.

Call me crazy, but I’ll go out on a limb and say any man caught flashing his junk on the web probably wishes he’d learned how to operate the dishwasher instead.

Prominent woman in politics are rarely involved in that kind of scandal. If a woman engaged in that type of behavior, she would be pilloried. Some “experts” say women have less testosterone and decreased libido and we don’t have the same temptations as men, thus we are better behaved. We may have less testosterone, but we apply it to better use than men.

I’d be willing to bet if it were a woman who “used bad judgment” her spouse would be nowhere to be found when she had to face the music.

When a political lothario makes a complete jackass of himself, the little woman is expected to pony up and appear for a photo op indicating her support. Her presence lends no credibility to the situation. Everyone knows what she would really like to do is broadcast his personal stuff in a jigsaw puzzle.

Recent events seem to indicate wives are opting out, leaving the bum to defend himself solo. Too bad that extra blast of testosterone is not apparent when bumbling apologies of deviant behavior are offered.

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