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Category: Satire

Snarky observations about family, friends, and current events.

I Got Good Hair, Pack Heat and I Wanna Be Yor President

The Republican Governor’s leadership conference in New Orleans should leave no doubt as to the quality of its leadership. It was a shameless demonstration of buffoonery. Naturally Texas Rick Perry was present front and center.

Now that he has screwed up our state he wants to move on and lead the nation that he wanted to secede from. The thought of Gov Perry leaving Texas would be music to my ears if he’d move to Pakistan. The possibility of him winning the presidency is frightening, but it could happen – remember W?

• Perry vetoed legislation in Texas that would ban all drivers texting while driving, stating “he views it as a government effort to micromanage the behavior of adults.”

• Perry had no misgivings about micromanaging female adults when he supported the invasive sonogram bill. This is the equivalent of peeing on our leg and telling us it’s raining.

• He is a glaring example of why there should be separation of church and state. How can you wave the bible and then oppose programs that benefit underprivileged children?

His rhetoric flip flops faster than a catfish out of water. If it proved to be politically expedient he’d do a photo op with mixed race homosexual couples in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.

He is the male equivalent of Sarah Palin. Good hair and packing heat are not qualifications for intelligent leadership. Unfortunately fruit flies multiply rapidly, and as preposterous as it seems, he might just pull it off.

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Brains vs Testosterone

How can  men figure out how to photograph an awkward component of their anatomy and post it on the web? Most dummy up when it comes to operating the dishwasher. They plead ignorance involving operating any domestic appliance beyond the TV remote.

Call me crazy, but I’ll go out on a limb and say any man caught flashing his junk on the web probably wishes he’d learned how to operate the dishwasher instead.

Prominent woman in politics are rarely involved in that kind of scandal. If a woman engaged in that type of behavior, she would be pilloried. Some “experts” say women have less testosterone and decreased libido and we don’t have the same temptations as men, thus we are better behaved. We may have less testosterone, but we apply it to better use than men.

I’d be willing to bet if it were a woman who “used bad judgment” her spouse would be nowhere to be found when she had to face the music.

When a political lothario makes a complete jackass of himself, the little woman is expected to pony up and appear for a photo op indicating her support. Her presence lends no credibility to the situation. Everyone knows what she would really like to do is broadcast his personal stuff in a jigsaw puzzle.

Recent events seem to indicate wives are opting out, leaving the bum to defend himself solo. Too bad that extra blast of testosterone is not apparent when bumbling apologies of deviant behavior are offered.

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Reality TV

I don’t get reality TV. It doesn’t meet the criteria of the lowest level of soap opera standards. It’s a documentary on crack. It’s certainly not art. You’d have to have the IQ of a fruit fly to be fan of this type of entertainment.

Sister Wives

Deals with polygamy.This is about four women who were conned by a guy with an overactive libido. His legal wife has to be nuts. She’s pimping him out. He lives on the edge with a variety of partners. There is no reciprocity for her. She is stuck with worn out, warmed over remains. She gets zip for being his John, and has to put up with two other women and their kids.

Dancing with the Stars

It is a major embarrassment for participants who should know better. People who haven’t been in front of camera in years appear desperate. Should be ” Where Are They Now Dance Off. ”


Narcissism wearing designer. Pop Kardashian was O.J. Simpson’s defense lawyer. Who over the age of eighteen could possibly care about any of these people?

Celebrity Apprentice

The episodes featuring Gary Busey make Dog the Bounty Hunter look like Ralph Lauren. Storage Wars is classier and you don’t have to look at Donald Trump’s hair.

The Bachelor

Hands down the most offensive. The entire premise is disgusting. Why would an intelligent woman put herself in the position of competing to be ” chosen “? (Note: see comment about IQ of fruit fly)

Whose reality is it anyway? These programs have longevity and huge, loyal audiences. If television is reflective of the current mentality of our culture, we should not be surprised about the officials we elect to represent us, i.e. Congress, Governor of Texas and legislative body, who are all visible proof fruit flies exist.

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If You Need a Job, Don’t Bother to Apply

A recent news story featuring the unemployed indicated more businesses are not accepting applications from long-term unemployed or layoff candidates. Applicants must be currently employed.

With nearly fourteen million unemployed, how did we get to a place where this obvious lack of social conscience is acceptable?

Suppose an individual had taken a survivor job; for example flipping burgers. If a hiring manager had to decide between applicants with similar qualifications, would they select the burger flipper or the person who had extensive unemployment? Or, would they presume the burger flipper was unemployable.

Working a survival job would appear to be an easy solution if you are unemployed. How easy is it to get a job flipping burgers or bagging groceries if you worked in an office? I’m guessing next to impossible, as being “overqualified” would be cited as a concern for a prospective employer.

Seems to me there is a great deal of conjecture about the qualifications of a person who has endured unemployment. One source mentioned employers feel they are taking a bigger chance on the long-term unemployed being unreliable and having a loss of job skills. While unemployed, the person may have gotten into legal trouble or fallen into substance abuse. Some businesses felt there is greater risk of theft on the job due to financial losses.

Big business continues to behave like a Wall Street spinoff and makes Gordon Gekko sound like Gandhi. If consumers drive commerce, then maybe it’s time for a boycott of products or services against companies who establish these types of hiring practices.

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Patrick, Perry and The Big Picture

A recent photo in the local news highlighted the ceremonial signing of Texas’ sonogram bill. The article stated Perry and lawmakers were “surrounded by cheering anti-abortion activitists”.

The cheering, unidentified female anti-abortion activists were hovering unidentified in the background of the photo. If they champion women as the beneficiaries of this legislation, shouldn’t they have been featured front and center? Could it be at some level they were not proud of supporting the frontier mentality that created this disaster?

Representative Sid Miller sported a big old white Stetson for the photo op. He must not have spent much time watching old western movies or he would have known the white hat is for heroes. This is not the old west and women do not require nor deserve the kind of protection meted out by his lack of progressive thinking. He is no hero.

Senator Dan Patrick appeared to be uninvolved. Perhaps he was pondering the antigroping bill he sponsored that would make intrusive TSA pat downs of genital areas a criminal offense. However, federal regulators forced him to withdraw the bill.

As the author of the sonogram legislation, I wonder which gender’s personal anatomy the good senator sought to protect. we can assume it is not female.

The senator is contemplating a run for the senate; Gov. Good Hair is thinking about running for President. Now that’s one scary picture.

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Email Crackpots

Why do people forward political emails, especially when they know your views are 360 degrees apart? Maybe they believe you’ll eventually cave if they assault you with enough propaganda. Or, maybe they believe this breaking news flash will push all your hot buttons and you will be converted.

A friend emailed a political video that tilted so far right it screamed fringe lunatic. When I checked out the site, a picture that was appallingly obscene appeared. The source for this innovative political commentary was a porn site! I ran my antivirus program twice, got antibacterial wipes for my keyboard, monitor, and Pepto for my nausea.

I kept a wary eye out for the internet police, thinking they might come to arrest me at any minute for visiting such a salacious site.

I choose to believe the friend innocently forwarded the video without checking the source. Nevertheless, I have a visual of this person sitting disheveled and bleary-eyed, looking at porn all day while dribbling Cheeto crumbs in the keyboard.

Another political email arrived with the subject line screaming “Government Gone Wild.” This timely message convinced me its sender’s credibility had also gone wild. A self-proclaimed financial guru had all the answers to government waste. When I googled him, I discovered he is a real estate shark from Florida accused of deceptive trade practices and a professional poker player.

People who want to “take back our country” are most often the originator of email of this type. I am scared to death of information grounded in porn and unethical real estate transactions.

I wish they would take back their email.

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Swimsuit Tight Spot

Summer is fast approaching. It is the most dreaded season of the year for those of us who are a bit fluffy and seasoned. To add to my dismay, I opened the morning news to discover a twelve year old, wearing a swimsuit, advertised in the Misses section of the store.

I think most women dread this time of year and the annual swimsuit purchase. Even my skinny friends manage to conjure up an eighth of an inch of cellulose that manages to triple in size in the dressing room mirror. Locating a suit that conceals a shape reminiscent of a ’57 Studebaker is next to impossible. Forget what you read about skirted suits; they conceal nothing. You look like a beach umbrella gone rogue. The high cut leg is touted as slimming. Wanna bet? They display more of the thighs you wanted to hide in the first place. A patterned midriff style does not conceal love handles. You look like a blob wearing your Aunt Gertie’s 1948 sofa throw.

Settling for a completely black number that covers most of the horrors, you proceed to the dressing room. Once you have stripped down to the point where you can try on the suit, you notice a warning posted on the dressing room wall….”These rooms are monitored.” Oh please God, say it isn’t so. A total stranger is watching everything you so desperately want to conceal. Someone is actually going to see you struggle, without a shoehorn, to get the blasted suit on and in place.Where oh where is the camera? Oh, it’s that little black glass do-hickey up in the ceiling where you can’t reach it or cover it with an item of clothing you just removed. I imagine someone in a cube in India bent double with laughter at my tortured attempts to wriggle into a new swimsuit. At least if you go to the beach or the pool you can hide under a huge beach towel until you are in the water.

Facing the horror of the swimsuit try on is an exercise in character development for women of a certain age. We are never going to look like that mal-nourished waif in the swimsuit advertisement.I’m hitting the pool as soon as the clock strikes midnight!

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Texas Women Silent

Where are all of our strong Texas women?

The era of feminine activist surely can’t be over or, are we so stricken by the sheer audacity of good old boys in the Texas Legislature that we are numb with horror.

I am currently reading “The Red Queen” by Philippa Gregory. Set in 1485 during the Henry VI reign in England, women were subjected to all kinds of physical and financial persecution during this era.

This wasn’t unusual at this time in history and I am thankful I did not live during this time. The recent legislation passed in the Texas legislature caused me to wonder if we are easing dangerously close to mimicking this type of mentality.

The sonogram bill that recently passed and Gov Bubba has promised to sign, is a red flag that women should be vigilant. Dynamic objection from elected women legislators has been absent in this session of the Texas Legislature.

Governor Perry plods on, sidestepping his arrogance and proudly announces he has sent letters to corporations in California to relocate to Texas for our great business climate.

I wonder if most of the gray matter taking up real estate between his ears is required to maintain his hair.

Can he possibly be so naive as to believe women everywhere are not aware of the mentality of Texas elected officials? I’ll bet his letters didn’t mention there has not been a modicum of government action to ensure Texas has an educated workforce to support business.

Texas women should unite to make sure Governor Good Hair and the boys have the opportunity to consider alternative career paths come election time.

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Blue Plate Mayo

Last week on my trek to purchase groceries, I could not locate the Blue Plate mayo. My heart sank. This was worse than giving up cigarettes. I actually panicked. I eased my knobby knees to the lower shelf to paw among the goods. What a relief. There it was, tucked behind several other brands.

I grew up in a household that did not use mayonnaise. Our family used Miracle Stuff, which is akin to glue according to my taste buds. My grandmother introduced me to the joy of Blue Plate mayonnaise. Her culinary skills could morph Blue Plate into hollandaise sauce, dressing for potato salad and sandwiches. Once you’ve tasted Blue Plate you’re an addict for life.

Wouldn’t you know the Yankee I married preferred Miracle Stuff. I discovered he used ketchup on ham and hot dogs. This insult to hot dogs was compounded by the addition of sweet relish. No self-respecting southerner uses anything but mustard on ham. We know ketchup belongs on meatloaf and French fries, but not ham. Sweet relish and ketchup on a hotdog is heresy.

Blue Plate was not widely available where we lived, so I plodded along for years using the other mayo along with Miracle Stuff until on a visit to Biloxi, Miss I rediscovered Blue Plate. Appearing in big bold letters on the menu “made with Blue Plate Mayonnaise”. It was Nirvana. Tasted just as good as I remembered and I gained ten pounds.

Once you have had Blue Plate, nothing else will do. To the other addict who hid the Blue Plate: I thank you for not buying the last jar, but in the spirit of sharing hid it instead.

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Mea Culpa – Maybe

For the second time in less than six months, the Mafioso red-light camera installed at a major thoroughfare nailed me. I could appeal the fine, but that really isn’t cost effective. This is legal extortion.

The city mails your citation that provides a website for you to watch the video of your offense. The video would support my claim that the light changed, as I was one fourth through my right hand turn. My options were to pass safely through a changing yellow light on a right hand turn or risk being rammed by the three other vehicles behind me.

These drivers turned on the light that turned red immediately after my right turn. One of the cars sported a popular and highly regarded auto insurance logo plastered all over the car. I’m not saying which auto insurance company, but its spokesperson is female, with big red lips and snappy banter.

The argument is the cameras are beneficial and free law enforcement officers to monitor locations that are more dangerous.

If so, why are they never around to see people running red lights at four way intersections? Why don’t they see people turning right or left from the center lane? Try finding an officer when some idiot eases over into my lane while talking on the cell phone.

I might feel better if the ticket proceeds were used to maintain streets in the neighborhood where the traffic camera is located. That isn’t happening in my neighborhood. There is a crater at the end of my street that would hold a SUV…….or a traffic camera.

Mea Culpa? Maybe

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