Pool People

Our community pool is visited by a cast of colorful characters.

Impeccably groomed Miss Couture arrives poolside, deposits her accessories in a deck chair and tests the water with a perfectly pedicured toe. She then begins her catwalk down the pool stairs and glides into the water. She is going to do nothing more strenuous than take up real estate in the pool.

Next arrives Unkempt Joe. He’s hauling a beer cooler, boom box and pool float with cubbies for his beverages. He hasn’t shaved in five days. The flies that accompany him indicate an absence of a bath for at least that long. His man boobs compete with the bay window hanging over his swim trunks for space in his raggedy suit. Thank God, he doesn’t know about Speedos. After turning on Leonard Skynard full blast he executes a decibel bursting belly flop and lands on the float. Miss Couture is not amused.

Miss Fitness Freak arrives with barbells, paddles, noodles and weights in tow. Slathered in sunscreen spf 75 she proceeds to enter the middle of the pool after giving Miss Couture a look of disdain and a warning glare to Unkempt Joe, she begins her exercise routine. All she requires is space and non interference from pool mates.

Last to enter is Miss Socialize. She’s as perky as a poodle and talkative as a parrot. She is poised to greet  her next victim. Miss Couture unavailable to those who don’t meet her standard of fashion. Unkempt Joe is belly deep in “Sweet Home Alabama” and longnecks. Miss Fitness Freak is a whirling dervish of activity.
Miss Socialize chatters away to anyone who hasn’t managed to escape.

Miss Fitness Freak is the first to depart the pool leaving behind an oil spill of sunscreen glaze. She is the picture of efficiency as she gathers up her equipment and makes a hasty retreat. She is followed by Miss Couture,  gives Unkempt Joe a withering, warning glance as she runs for the pool exit. Miss Socialize who has managed to drown out Skynard has accomplished what no one heretofore has been able to. Unkempt Joe and his redneck accouterments exit the pool.

Miss Socialize is left to her own devices and ring around the pool as a parting gift from Unkempt Joe. Fellow poolies, having noted her arrival and departure time, will make sure their paths do not cross again. I think she planned it that way.

Sharing water can be a challenge.

Fourth of July Sale Sputters

I have given up on bargain hunting for summer clothes after the fourth of July. There are none. The selections are unattractive and shop worn. Still, I decided to brave the heat to search for a couple of summer outfits. The giant poster of a girl holding a bouquet of autumn leaves at the mall entrance should have been a big clue.

The broom skirts were all that remained and made me look like a weeble wobble. The airy cotton tee shirts and sweaters had morphed into trapezoids from try-ons. The hanger bumps would require heavy construction equipment to remove. We won’t even mention the selection of swim suits whose style would be better suited to a big box home improvement store.

A major home accessories retailer emailed a flyer advertising half priced summer sales. After opening the email I was hit with “Get a Start on Christmas Home Décor”. The usual holiday gilded angels, bells and whistles were featured. It’s a hundred and six degrees at 8:00 AM in the shade. Free jumbo frozen margaritas could not entice me to shop for holiday décor.

The holidays are nowhere near being on my radar screen. Promoting holiday items in July is lunacy and a huge contradiction of this upscale retailer’s image as the “go to” for elegant home accessories. I’ll bet the summer sale selections are tacky stuff no one would buy and Christmas home décor consisted of last year’s Santa and Rudolph too.

Next year I will ignore the lure of 4th of July sales. Labor Day, however is less than sixty days away.

If You Will And Other Annoying Phrases

“If you will”, is one of the most annoying phrases on the planet.

It seems I hear or read the phrase almost daily. What does it mean?

Maybe you are half-heartedly offering an opinion that you are not entirely comfortable with.
Are you asking your listener to endorse the ambiguity of your remark?
Perhaps you attempting to impress someone.

The term is overused and pretentious. What would happen if I responded, “I will not”?

“Beg to differ” is downright spineless.

Don’t beg. Disagree or have a fist fight, but don’t beg. My personal view is people who use this phrase are being condescending and don’t give a hoot about your sensibilities. I think a knock upside their noggin might be in order.

I don’t understand the phrase “thinking outside the box”

My thoughts don’t live in a box. Most of the time they are all over the place. It would be more efficient if they were filed away in a box, ready to spring into action when I need them. When asked for a creative solution or a different approach, the thought would hop out of the box, ready for action.

I’ve been asked to add “my bad”.

This clunker originated around 1970. It’s in the same category as “totally” and “like”. Women over six years of age should never use these words as adjectives. If you want to label yourself as lacking ability in any attempt other than chewing gum, feel free to continue usage.

I believed “awesome” indicated something original and exciting.

Just as I’m all set to hear about something unique, most of the time “awesome” describes events, objects or actions that are not. Dark chocolate is awesome. Most of the other stuff to which “awesome” is attributed is not.

What the heck does it mean when someone has “issues?”

Are they ill? Do they have a phobia of some sort? I never know what I am supposed to do or say after being warned a person has “issues”.

I’m going to totally like retreat, if you will until I get my adjective issues under control.

If you beg to differ, feel free to leave a comment.