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JoAnn Williams Posts

Life in the USA under a Perry Presidency

Wonder what it might be like to live in the USA if Perry beat snowball in Hell odds and was elected President?

He’d have an all-male cabinet along with some right-wing nut like Bill O’Reilly as vice president, a pharmaceutical lobbyist for chief of staff and a hairstylist on call 24/7. Government contracts awarded to the biggest campaign contributors.

Healthcare would be provided via WebMD.

Perry stated abstinence works. He could prohibit birth control devices with an executive order. When black-market contraceptives failed women could give birth at the local fire station.

After being vaccinated for HPV teenage females would undergo a sonogram to ensure it had been done.

Perry’s own poor academic record was the basis for assigning a low priority to education in Texas.

Public education would cease in the sixth grade with textbook material approval by Pres. Perry. As a result of a lack of support for education, low-wage jobs would be the norm.

As a  standard pre-employment test the ability to articulate “would you like fries with that,”  ensures unemployment falls to an acceptable level. Failing that, a career as a tent revival preacher might prevent homelessness.

National parks without funding would evaporate into ghost towns. US borders would close to international travelers and Americans would be required to pack heat and wear cowboy boots. Fox network would be the only source of national and world news.

The Urban Dictionary states, “labeling someone a turd in the punch bowl is most appropriate when the individual’s deleterious influence goes beyond mere faux pas or nuisance behaviors and rises to the level of deliberate offense for its own sake.”

Based on his leadership as Governor, Perry has satisfied the first requirement of the aforementioned label and requires only the punchbowl.

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Pool People

Our community pool is visited by a cast of colorful characters.

Impeccably groomed Miss Couture arrives poolside, deposits her accessories in a deck chair and tests the water with a perfectly pedicured toe. She then begins her catwalk down the pool stairs and glides into the water. She is going to do nothing more strenuous than take up real estate in the pool.

Next arrives Unkempt Joe. He’s hauling a beer cooler, boom box and pool float with cubbies for his beverages. He hasn’t shaved in five days. The flies that accompany him indicate an absence of a bath for at least that long. His man boobs compete with the bay window hanging over his swim trunks for space in his raggedy suit. Thank God, he doesn’t know about Speedos. After turning on Leonard Skynard full blast he executes a decibel bursting belly flop and lands on the float. Miss Couture is not amused.

Miss Fitness Freak arrives with barbells, paddles, noodles and weights in tow. Slathered in sunscreen spf 75 she proceeds to enter the middle of the pool after giving Miss Couture a look of disdain and a warning glare to Unkempt Joe, she begins her exercise routine. All she requires is space and non interference from pool mates.

Last to enter is Miss Socialize. She’s as perky as a poodle and talkative as a parrot. She is poised to greet  her next victim. Miss Couture unavailable to those who don’t meet her standard of fashion. Unkempt Joe is belly deep in “Sweet Home Alabama” and longnecks. Miss Fitness Freak is a whirling dervish of activity.
Miss Socialize chatters away to anyone who hasn’t managed to escape.

Miss Fitness Freak is the first to depart the pool leaving behind an oil spill of sunscreen glaze. She is the picture of efficiency as she gathers up her equipment and makes a hasty retreat. She is followed by Miss Couture,  gives Unkempt Joe a withering, warning glance as she runs for the pool exit. Miss Socialize who has managed to drown out Skynard has accomplished what no one heretofore has been able to. Unkempt Joe and his redneck accouterments exit the pool.

Miss Socialize is left to her own devices and ring around the pool as a parting gift from Unkempt Joe. Fellow poolies, having noted her arrival and departure time, will make sure their paths do not cross again. I think she planned it that way.

Sharing water can be a challenge.

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Fourth of July Sale Sputters

I have given up on bargain hunting for summer clothes after the fourth of July. There are none. The selections are unattractive and shop worn. Still, I decided to brave the heat to search for a couple of summer outfits. The giant poster of a girl holding a bouquet of autumn leaves at the mall entrance should have been a big clue.

The broom skirts were all that remained and made me look like a weeble wobble. The airy cotton tee shirts and sweaters had morphed into trapezoids from try-ons. The hanger bumps would require heavy construction equipment to remove. We won’t even mention the selection of swim suits whose style would be better suited to a big box home improvement store.

A major home accessories retailer emailed a flyer advertising half priced summer sales. After opening the email I was hit with “Get a Start on Christmas Home Décor”. The usual holiday gilded angels, bells and whistles were featured. It’s a hundred and six degrees at 8:00 AM in the shade. Free jumbo frozen margaritas could not entice me to shop for holiday décor.

The holidays are nowhere near being on my radar screen. Promoting holiday items in July is lunacy and a huge contradiction of this upscale retailer’s image as the “go to” for elegant home accessories. I’ll bet the summer sale selections are tacky stuff no one would buy and Christmas home décor consisted of last year’s Santa and Rudolph too.

Next year I will ignore the lure of 4th of July sales. Labor Day, however is less than sixty days away.

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If You Will And Other Annoying Phrases

“If you will”, is one of the most annoying phrases on the planet.

It seems I hear or read the phrase almost daily. What does it mean?

Maybe you are half-heartedly offering an opinion that you are not entirely comfortable with.
Are you asking your listener to endorse the ambiguity of your remark?
Perhaps you attempting to impress someone.

The term is overused and pretentious. What would happen if I responded, “I will not”?

“Beg to differ” is downright spineless.

Don’t beg. Disagree or have a fist fight, but don’t beg. My personal view is people who use this phrase are being condescending and don’t give a hoot about your sensibilities. I think a knock upside their noggin might be in order.

I don’t understand the phrase “thinking outside the box”

My thoughts don’t live in a box. Most of the time they are all over the place. It would be more efficient if they were filed away in a box, ready to spring into action when I need them. When asked for a creative solution or a different approach, the thought would hop out of the box, ready for action.

I’ve been asked to add “my bad”.

This clunker originated around 1970. It’s in the same category as “totally” and “like”. Women over six years of age should never use these words as adjectives. If you want to label yourself as lacking ability in any attempt other than chewing gum, feel free to continue usage.

I believed “awesome” indicated something original and exciting.

Just as I’m all set to hear about something unique, most of the time “awesome” describes events, objects or actions that are not. Dark chocolate is awesome. Most of the other stuff to which “awesome” is attributed is not.

What the heck does it mean when someone has “issues?”

Are they ill? Do they have a phobia of some sort? I never know what I am supposed to do or say after being warned a person has “issues”.

I’m going to totally like retreat, if you will until I get my adjective issues under control.

If you beg to differ, feel free to leave a comment.

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I Got Good Hair, Pack Heat and I Wanna Be Yor President

The Republican Governor’s leadership conference in New Orleans should leave no doubt as to the quality of its leadership. It was a shameless demonstration of buffoonery. Naturally Texas Rick Perry was present front and center.

Now that he has screwed up our state he wants to move on and lead the nation that he wanted to secede from. The thought of Gov Perry leaving Texas would be music to my ears if he’d move to Pakistan. The possibility of him winning the presidency is frightening, but it could happen – remember W?

• Perry vetoed legislation in Texas that would ban all drivers texting while driving, stating “he views it as a government effort to micromanage the behavior of adults.”

• Perry had no misgivings about micromanaging female adults when he supported the invasive sonogram bill. This is the equivalent of peeing on our leg and telling us it’s raining.

• He is a glaring example of why there should be separation of church and state. How can you wave the bible and then oppose programs that benefit underprivileged children?

His rhetoric flip flops faster than a catfish out of water. If it proved to be politically expedient he’d do a photo op with mixed race homosexual couples in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.

He is the male equivalent of Sarah Palin. Good hair and packing heat are not qualifications for intelligent leadership. Unfortunately fruit flies multiply rapidly, and as preposterous as it seems, he might just pull it off.

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Brains vs Testosterone

How can  men figure out how to photograph an awkward component of their anatomy and post it on the web? Most dummy up when it comes to operating the dishwasher. They plead ignorance involving operating any domestic appliance beyond the TV remote.

Call me crazy, but I’ll go out on a limb and say any man caught flashing his junk on the web probably wishes he’d learned how to operate the dishwasher instead.

Prominent woman in politics are rarely involved in that kind of scandal. If a woman engaged in that type of behavior, she would be pilloried. Some “experts” say women have less testosterone and decreased libido and we don’t have the same temptations as men, thus we are better behaved. We may have less testosterone, but we apply it to better use than men.

I’d be willing to bet if it were a woman who “used bad judgment” her spouse would be nowhere to be found when she had to face the music.

When a political lothario makes a complete jackass of himself, the little woman is expected to pony up and appear for a photo op indicating her support. Her presence lends no credibility to the situation. Everyone knows what she would really like to do is broadcast his personal stuff in a jigsaw puzzle.

Recent events seem to indicate wives are opting out, leaving the bum to defend himself solo. Too bad that extra blast of testosterone is not apparent when bumbling apologies of deviant behavior are offered.

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Reality TV

I don’t get reality TV. It doesn’t meet the criteria of the lowest level of soap opera standards. It’s a documentary on crack. It’s certainly not art. You’d have to have the IQ of a fruit fly to be fan of this type of entertainment.

Sister Wives

Deals with polygamy.This is about four women who were conned by a guy with an overactive libido. His legal wife has to be nuts. She’s pimping him out. He lives on the edge with a variety of partners. There is no reciprocity for her. She is stuck with worn out, warmed over remains. She gets zip for being his John, and has to put up with two other women and their kids.

Dancing with the Stars

It is a major embarrassment for participants who should know better. People who haven’t been in front of camera in years appear desperate. Should be ” Where Are They Now Dance Off. ”

Kardashians

Narcissism wearing designer. Pop Kardashian was O.J. Simpson’s defense lawyer. Who over the age of eighteen could possibly care about any of these people?

Celebrity Apprentice

The episodes featuring Gary Busey make Dog the Bounty Hunter look like Ralph Lauren. Storage Wars is classier and you don’t have to look at Donald Trump’s hair.

The Bachelor

Hands down the most offensive. The entire premise is disgusting. Why would an intelligent woman put herself in the position of competing to be ” chosen “? (Note: see comment about IQ of fruit fly)

Whose reality is it anyway? These programs have longevity and huge, loyal audiences. If television is reflective of the current mentality of our culture, we should not be surprised about the officials we elect to represent us, i.e. Congress, Governor of Texas and legislative body, who are all visible proof fruit flies exist.

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If You Need a Job, Don’t Bother to Apply

A recent news story featuring the unemployed indicated more businesses are not accepting applications from long-term unemployed or layoff candidates. Applicants must be currently employed.

With nearly fourteen million unemployed, how did we get to a place where this obvious lack of social conscience is acceptable?

Suppose an individual had taken a survivor job; for example flipping burgers. If a hiring manager had to decide between applicants with similar qualifications, would they select the burger flipper or the person who had extensive unemployment? Or, would they presume the burger flipper was unemployable.

Working a survival job would appear to be an easy solution if you are unemployed. How easy is it to get a job flipping burgers or bagging groceries if you worked in an office? I’m guessing next to impossible, as being “overqualified” would be cited as a concern for a prospective employer.

Seems to me there is a great deal of conjecture about the qualifications of a person who has endured unemployment. One source mentioned employers feel they are taking a bigger chance on the long-term unemployed being unreliable and having a loss of job skills. While unemployed, the person may have gotten into legal trouble or fallen into substance abuse. Some businesses felt there is greater risk of theft on the job due to financial losses.

Big business continues to behave like a Wall Street spinoff and makes Gordon Gekko sound like Gandhi. If consumers drive commerce, then maybe it’s time for a boycott of products or services against companies who establish these types of hiring practices.

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Patrick, Perry and The Big Picture

A recent photo in the local news highlighted the ceremonial signing of Texas’ sonogram bill. The article stated Perry and lawmakers were “surrounded by cheering anti-abortion activitists”.

The cheering, unidentified female anti-abortion activists were hovering unidentified in the background of the photo. If they champion women as the beneficiaries of this legislation, shouldn’t they have been featured front and center? Could it be at some level they were not proud of supporting the frontier mentality that created this disaster?

Representative Sid Miller sported a big old white Stetson for the photo op. He must not have spent much time watching old western movies or he would have known the white hat is for heroes. This is not the old west and women do not require nor deserve the kind of protection meted out by his lack of progressive thinking. He is no hero.

Senator Dan Patrick appeared to be uninvolved. Perhaps he was pondering the antigroping bill he sponsored that would make intrusive TSA pat downs of genital areas a criminal offense. However, federal regulators forced him to withdraw the bill.

As the author of the sonogram legislation, I wonder which gender’s personal anatomy the good senator sought to protect. we can assume it is not female.

The senator is contemplating a run for the senate; Gov. Good Hair is thinking about running for President. Now that’s one scary picture.

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Email Crackpots

Why do people forward political emails, especially when they know your views are 360 degrees apart? Maybe they believe you’ll eventually cave if they assault you with enough propaganda. Or, maybe they believe this breaking news flash will push all your hot buttons and you will be converted.

A friend emailed a political video that tilted so far right it screamed fringe lunatic. When I checked out the site, a picture that was appallingly obscene appeared. The source for this innovative political commentary was a porn site! I ran my antivirus program twice, got antibacterial wipes for my keyboard, monitor, and Pepto for my nausea.

I kept a wary eye out for the internet police, thinking they might come to arrest me at any minute for visiting such a salacious site.

I choose to believe the friend innocently forwarded the video without checking the source. Nevertheless, I have a visual of this person sitting disheveled and bleary-eyed, looking at porn all day while dribbling Cheeto crumbs in the keyboard.

Another political email arrived with the subject line screaming “Government Gone Wild.” This timely message convinced me its sender’s credibility had also gone wild. A self-proclaimed financial guru had all the answers to government waste. When I googled him, I discovered he is a real estate shark from Florida accused of deceptive trade practices and a professional poker player.

People who want to “take back our country” are most often the originator of email of this type. I am scared to death of information grounded in porn and unethical real estate transactions.

I wish they would take back their email.

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