Email Inbox Suggestions

Snowden may have been right about cyber spying. My email inbox is crammed with  suggestions that range from How to Get Rid of Trapped Belly Fat to preventing dingy everything. How do they know my belly fat not only is trapped, it does not intend to vacate the premises. Lord knows I’ve sent it eviction notices for years but it refuses to leave.

Our wine glasses may be dingy, but I figure if you put enough alcohol in the glass by the time it is empty its consumer doesn’t care. Plan B is if I drink enough wine, then I don’t care and problem solved.

My issue is how does someone know about my perceived shortcomings? I don’t use my web cam, so no one can see my belly fat or dingy wine glasses.

I really got creeped out when I saw the email about sagging underarms from a plastic surgeon in LA. How did he know? Then there was the missive regarding crepey skin. (I wonder if the doc in LA would do a twofer.)

I am getting suspicious about my online shopping suggestions from the grocer. They seem to know when I am running out of items and bingo – I get an email. How do they know how much olive oil I use and when I need to purchase more?

There are emails that want a bazillion dollars for a subscription to their site so I can keep my brain active. My brain is active enough to recognize when a snake oil salesman is attempting to fleece it.

Almost daily I receive an email warning. Genetically modified food scares me, the other stuff does not. (I wonder if GMO’s are the reason I have belly fat, sagging underarms and crepey skin.)

I have unsubscribed to every newsletter I can think of, but they still come in waves, overloading my inbox, There is the pitch for must-have items for carry-on bags, policy updates from Paypal, propaganda to upgrade cable service.

I don’t require email suggestions as there are other options for discovering my imperfections. I was standing by the Halloween display at Home Depot waiting for my beloved. Some kid walked up, tugged on my shirt and asked his mother if they could buy the chubby witch.

I’m getting a haircut and emailing the plastic surgeon in LA.

Fall Returns with Squirrels, Nuts and Fashion

Ted Cruz, our neighborhood squirrel has returned to the cypress tree outside our patio.

Like his namesake, he has been absent from the workplace collecting nuts.

He promised to keep the grackles away but abandoned us for more lucrative opportunities. This week he returned to his location in the top of the tree assuring his dominance over the morning doves who stuck it out during the heat.

The squirrel’s return is a signal fall must be on the way.

Daylight savings time will end soon (although not soon enough) and Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday is in sight.

The calendar designates January 1 as the beginning of the New Year. But my new year begins with the first day of Fall. There is a sense of anticipation that something exciting is about to happen. Maybe it is an anniversary phenomenon of recalling the first day of school and new beginnings.

Fall is time to inventory the wardrobe. I have zero interest in current fashion trends. I don’t like the schizoid merchandising that arrives each year. The combination of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanza displays are over the top. Vowing to escape retail ugliness, I turned to the internet and hit pay-dirt my first Google search.

Forty-three style lessons learned from Carrie Bradshaw o.k.’s wearing pj’s in public:

I wear them to take out the garbage. The next suggestion was wearing pants under a dress. I haven’t done that since first grade. Girls could wear pants under a dress only if snow was six feet deep. AFTER arriving at school, we removed the pants until it was time to go home. (And no, this was not during the Civil War). When slacks became acceptable attire for women I ditched dresses. Since I no longer own a single, solitary dress, I moved on to the next search.

Fifteen denim outfits you’d better make sure you have in your closet for fall:

Sounded like a winner. I was wrong. $1000.00 for a pair of culottes is insane. Name one person who looks good in culottes. They look like costume rejects from the movie Tobacco Road. I did not look at the other fourteen outfits.

Twenty-four fashion hacks every woman needs to know:

Lame. For instance, moleskin for under-wire bra poke out. Just yank out the wire and you’re good to go. It got worse; how to remove oil on leather pants. Oil and lots of it is the only way I would ever get leather pants ON.

I am reverting to my tried and true fall wardrobe. It never fails me. A trench coat, a scarf and a huge pair of sunglasses hide sweats and wireless bras.

While I sit on the patio and watch the leaves turn I may even toss Ted a peanut or two.

Southern Food and Dr. Weil

Dr. Weil declared southern food safe! I knew it was only a matter of time before a medical expert confirmed what southerners already know. Our food is exceptional and just as healthy as other regional cuisine.

Dr Weil sanctioned fried chicken. It’s about time. Fried chicken is addicting. Only a hard nose whose taste buds have rigor mortis can resist it.

Southerners are not backwoods hillbillies tooling around Walmart with a Mountain Dew in one hand and a moon pie in the other. Most southerners today have never tasted possum, squirrel or other members of the rodent family.

As a lifelong southerner, I question the character of anyone who turns up their noses at grits. People who refuse to eat grits have a serial killer or worse somewhere in their family tree. Who can pass up shrimp and grits? Spicy foods have health benefits. Just douse those grits with a healthy dose of Tabasco and you got health food.

Chicken fried steak is awesome. But, a southerner would never serve it with the strange white glop that restaurants pass off as gravy. Steak gravy is always brown and served over mashed potatoes and biscuits.

I’ll bet  the snobs who turn up their noses at collard greens are closet junkies and eat them with the lights off and blinds pulled.

I will go on record and state ribs are healthy. Mostly bone, a person would have to consume pounds, and pounds of them to get that cholesterol jacked up. Besides, they are protein and lord knows our bodies need protein.

Don’t even get me started on chili. No one who lives North of Texarkana, Texas should ever attempt chili. Chili made with beans is heresy to a Texan.

Dr. Weil did not offer  “healthy” versions of our cuisine. Southerners know that substituting ingredients  to make our comfort foods healthy always succeeds.

And the reason is – no one will eat it.

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