curvy women

How to Wear Sweatpants Everywhere When Your Give A Damn is Busted

My spouse does not understand why I have dozens of slacks, in varying sizes in my closet. His pants wardrobe is simple, sweatpants, jeans and dress slacks.

I have the same categories of pants, but finding myself advancing in girth requires adding sub-category wardrobe staples.

For instance, I have drub sweats that I tool around the house in. They are my favorite. Next, I have sweats I wear to the gym that are a step up from the drub sweats, but not nice enough to run errands in. Last, the really nice sweats I save for hosting casual dinners at home or running errands.

Age appropriate jeans are difficult to locate for mature women.

Skinny jeans tend to emphasize jaybird legs whose calves walked away during the Nixon administration. Jaybird legs combined with the engorged python body type scream “old lady”. Why advertise you are nanoseconds away from the multi-residency home?

I believed I hit jean nirvana when I discovered a site that sold high-waisted Mom jeans. Note to self: never order online after adult beverage. The jeans arrived with torn knee, slim legs and definitely not appropriate for those whose waist decided to merge with their abdomen.

I have two pairs of jeans – one for “see how hot I am”. These can only be worn the day after I have consumed celery and water all day. The other pair, my “oops” jeans need no explanation.

Generously sized women aka “curvy, chubby”, or the more politically correct term “thick”, have to take added measures when wearing slacks.

I could not bring myself to ditch my dressy, black crepe slacks, with pockets hiding under the pleats. Where else would I hide stuff I don’t want to cart around in a handbag.

I caved and purchased a pair of dressy slacks, with no pockets and no zipper. Wearing these to a special event requires at least three days notice of eliminating salt, bread, meat and ice cream from my diet. Before launching myself into said slacks, I must first take a boiling hot bath to discourage fat cells from making an appearance until they have recovered from second-degree burns.

I decided enough and took measures to simplify my life. My wardrobe now consists of all sweatpants.  It did require a lot of courage to wear the sweats to a funeral but I  believe the decedent would have defended me from the strange looks I received.  I rewarded myself with my bravery by stopping at the store on the way home and loading up on Cheetos.

Life is good.



If You Have a Big Butt Forget About Wearing White Jeans

The article said women with curvy figures did not have to look out of place in the summer wearing saggy baggy slacks. With a few tweaks, we could wear that summer staple — WHITE JEANS.

I gave up wearing white jeans eons ago, lest I am mistaken for a sailing armada. I took comfort by observing thus far I had avoided old lady ugly feet. I will admit I am vain about my feet. When they are spiffed up, I can wear flip-flops and get by with a meh.

But, thinketh me, oh to wear white jeans again — I’ll give it a shot.

I did all the research the article mentioned. I measured and wept and measured some more. Armed with new research, I trolled the internet for white jeans for curvy women. Most of the sites flat out lie as no female over ten years of age has the measurements that fit curvy women.

After hours of searching, I located the perfect pair; all the measurements jived. The inseam was on target. The jeans fit at the waist and best of all the back was high enough so you wouldn’t do moon shots when you bent over.

This was too good to be true, white jeans with my tricked out toes and I’d be ready for summer. I wouldn’t look like a nursing home reject. I could hang with the cool kids. I hit the PayPal account and looked forward to summer.

The package arrived and I jerked it out of the startled FedEx delivery guys hands so fast he got a huge paper cut and ran bleeding all the way back to his truck.

The first item on the jeans that appeared from the wrapping was the three-inch zipper in front. For the unenlightened, this is a huge red flag that the jeans barely cover somewhere around On My God. I set a record for overtaking a FedEx delivery truck to return the white jeans.

Father Time changes everything. If there was justice in the universe, time would be measured as Mother Time and white jeans would always favor curvy women.


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