prayer list

The Prayer List

I received the strangest voice mail the other day. It was a serious, churchy, preachy message. I dreaded listening to the end fearing what I might hear.

My mind raced to determine which medical test results I hadn’t received. Worse yet, whose dental records would I have to identify?

It was from some entity wanting to add me to a prayer list!

I know I have given televangelist a hard time.  I have raked poor old Benny Hinn over the coals, but neither has my phone number. It had to be a joke.

My two usual suspects, the ones who know how tacky I am, both denied instigating the call. My sister was out of town and is too cheap to pay for a long distance prayer.

I gave up trying to uncover who done it.  I became more concerned about which action  qualified me for placement on a prayer list.

I am positive that the car windows were up when I commented to my spouse that the woman’s orange and yellow jogging outfit that made her look like an advertisement for golden fried chicken.  He didn’t disagree, but no one has called him suggesting  placement on a prayer list.

I’m sure no one saw me at the supermarket paw through the greek yogurt to locate the one with the longest end date.

The woman who races to get my favorite locker at the gym before I do; deserved the chewing gum that appeared from nowhere, sticking to her walker.

And, I did make a snarky comment to someone about the inferior taste buds of those who prefer Miracle Whip over Mayonnaise.

Okay, so I might possibly be a candidate for a prayer list.

Now I’m flummoxed wondering which category best fits me. I’m sure someone will be letting me know—–soon.

 

The A$$#ole and Idiot Prayer List

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I’m going to adapt my hippie friend Lillith’s  secret for maintaining  serenity.

She refuses to get upset about situations that don’t involve her. Her  position is “Not my monkey, not my circus”.   As a lifelong Texan, I prefer the standard regional, “I don’t have a dog in that fight.”

We don’t have monkeys in Texas unless you count our elected officials in state government. Come to think of it, “dogs” may apply there as well.

Sometimes people behave so obnoxiously that I cannot bring myself to mutter  “Bless your heart,” and move on.

I’m talking about people who forward emails claiming proof that climate change is a hoax. They fall into the same category with the nuts that send you links to The Right Wing Watch.

Then there are those idiots that drive behemoth SUV’s that take up two parking spaces and park  on both sides of me at the mall.

At the top of the list are the two wannabe cowboys  carrying a pistol and extra ammo strapped on their belt outside a restaurant in one of our art districts today.

Did I mention the woman who hogs the swimming lane at the gym when it’s crowded and won’t share?

The serenity prayer just doesn’t cut it when you’re dealing with  jackasses like these.

Lillith suggests for fast and speedy relief send these types to the a$$#hole and idiot prayer list. Starting today I’m going to do just that, and  if you think I’m going to tell you what the prayer says – guess again.

It is time for me to negotiate my internet service with our provider. This rarely ends well.

I am going to tell them that this is their opportunity to get off my a$$#hole and idiot prayer list.

Or maybe not –  they may have a  list too —

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