swimming pool etiquette

Pool People

Note: originally posted in August of 2011. Not much has changed.

Our homeowner’s pool is visited by a cast of colorful characters.

An impeccably groomed Miss Couture arrives poolside, deposits her accessories in a deck chair and tests the water with her perfectly pedicured toe. She begins her catwalk down the pool stairs and glides into the water. She is going to do nothing more strenuous than take up real estate in the pool.

Next arrives Unkempt Joe, hauling a beer cooler, boom box and a pool float with cubbies for his beverages. He hasn’t shaved in five days. The flies that accompany him indicate an absence of a bath for at least that long. His man boobs compete with the bay window hanging over his swim trunks for space in his raggedy suit. Thank God, he doesn’t own a Speedo. After turning on Leonard Skynard full blast he executes a decibel bursting belly flop and lands on his float. Miss Couture is not amused.

Miss Fitness Freak arrives with barbells, paddles, noodles and weights in tow. Slathered in sunscreen SPF 75 she proceeds to enter the middle of the pool after giving Miss Couture a look of disdain and a warning glare to Unkempt Joe, she begins her exercise routine. All she requires is space and non interference from pool mates.

Last to enter is Miss Socialize. She’s as perky as a poodle and talkative as a parrot. She is poised to greet  her next victim. Miss Couture unavailable to those who don’t meet her standard of fashion, avoids eye contact with Miss Socialize. Unkempt Joe is belly deep in “Sweet Home Alabama” and long-necks. Miss Fitness Freak is a whirling dervish of activity. Miss Socialize chatters away to anyone who hasn’t managed to escape.

Miss Fitness Freak is the first to depart the pool leaving behind an oil spill of sunscreen glaze. She is the picture of efficiency as she gathers up her equipment and makes a hasty retreat. She is followed by Miss Couture,  gives Unkempt Joe a withering, warning glance as she runs for the pool exit.

Miss Socialize who has managed to drown out Skynard has accomplished what no one heretofore has been able to. Unkempt Joe and his redneck accoutrements exit the pool.

Miss Socialize left to her own devices and ring around the pool as a parting gift from Unkempt Joe and SPF 75, notices the absence of fellow swimmers. Fellow poolies, having noted her arrival time, will make sure their paths do not cross again. I think she planned it that way.

Sharing water can be a challenge.

Smack Down at the Swimming Pool

Going to the gym on a non-routine day proved to be hazardous. My current regimen had evolved in order for me to avoid prison time for drowning the obnoxious pool diva. No such luck on this particular day.

She and her spouse affected an air of entitlement as they entered the swimming pool. Her perfectly coiffed tinted red hair and carefully applied makeup turn heads. Sporting a designer swimsuit with enough spandex to shrink wrap three small children, she stepped into the pool.

The spouse trailed behind, lugging enough workout equipment to supply the US Olympic swim team; an indicator they are going to monopolize the pool waaay too long. Our fitness center has lanes for swimmers only and lanes for both exercisers and swimmers. Their expression made it clear sharing a lane is beneath them. They refuse to exercise in separate lanes and have no qualms about asking swimmers to vacate their lane in deference to them.

Obviously nettled when I entered “her” lane, she asked me to designate which side I planned to use. Rules posted on a big bold overhead sign state how to share lanes. I smiled my most benign smile and stated, “We’ll work it out”. Her hasty retreat, accompanied by a disdainful sniff, indicated that was not the correct response.

A swimming lane opened up and I rushed over to it, only to discover another pool diva joining me at the opposite end of the pool. She had the persona of a bloated sea urchin that washed up on the beach at high tide. She was doing the dead man’s float in the #@!% middle of the swimming lane. Avoiding her substantial girth was like navigating the stern of the Concordia.

My sister happened to be in the pool at the same time. Torn between laughing, which we have been guilty of at inappropriate times, and horror at what I might do to the lane hog, the coward fled to the locker room. It was a smart move because it gets worse.

The pool clown in the adjacent lane, with full knowledge that the timbre of his voice creates a rip tide in the water, asked if the bloated object floating face down in my lane was alive. This unfortunate choice of words escaped his lips just as the bloated object chose to surface. Her expression indicated she wished we would both drown. I’d like to say I was gracious and did not laugh.

I will not be going back to the pool on that particular day, at that particular time – ever.

Pool People

Our community pool is visited by a cast of colorful characters.

Impeccably groomed Miss Couture arrives poolside, deposits her accessories in a deck chair and tests the water with a perfectly pedicured toe. She then begins her catwalk down the pool stairs and glides into the water. She is going to do nothing more strenuous than take up real estate in the pool.

Next arrives Unkempt Joe. He’s hauling a beer cooler, boom box and pool float with cubbies for his beverages. He hasn’t shaved in five days. The flies that accompany him indicate an absence of a bath for at least that long. His man boobs compete with the bay window hanging over his swim trunks for space in his raggedy suit. Thank God, he doesn’t know about Speedos. After turning on Leonard Skynard full blast he executes a decibel bursting belly flop and lands on the float. Miss Couture is not amused.

Miss Fitness Freak arrives with barbells, paddles, noodles and weights in tow. Slathered in sunscreen spf 75 she proceeds to enter the middle of the pool after giving Miss Couture a look of disdain and a warning glare to Unkempt Joe, she begins her exercise routine. All she requires is space and non interference from pool mates.

Last to enter is Miss Socialize. She’s as perky as a poodle and talkative as a parrot. She is poised to greet  her next victim. Miss Couture unavailable to those who don’t meet her standard of fashion. Unkempt Joe is belly deep in “Sweet Home Alabama” and longnecks. Miss Fitness Freak is a whirling dervish of activity.
Miss Socialize chatters away to anyone who hasn’t managed to escape.

Miss Fitness Freak is the first to depart the pool leaving behind an oil spill of sunscreen glaze. She is the picture of efficiency as she gathers up her equipment and makes a hasty retreat. She is followed by Miss Couture,  gives Unkempt Joe a withering, warning glance as she runs for the pool exit. Miss Socialize who has managed to drown out Skynard has accomplished what no one heretofore has been able to. Unkempt Joe and his redneck accouterments exit the pool.

Miss Socialize is left to her own devices and ring around the pool as a parting gift from Unkempt Joe. Fellow poolies, having noted her arrival and departure time, will make sure their paths do not cross again. I think she planned it that way.

Sharing water can be a challenge.

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